waiting

i sing the songs of my heart
as i think of yours

i look forward to having yours
encased in your little body
nestled in my arms

i think often of your smiling eyes
as they would glimmer up at mine
so please come quickly
that mine might glimmer back at you,
smiling and looking so precious below me.

Angel Baby

Rocking my baby
Back and forth
Back and forth

You sleep so quietly
Not a word exits
Not a worry enters

Your blond hair rests on he head
Shortly above your scrunched up face
And closed eyes

If only you knew what stood before you
You would stop sleeping to start crying
For this shall be a bad life

Born to a dead father
Who died as he jumped from a bridge
Upon learning of her becoming of birth

Next, my angel baby, you lost your mother
Who had lived with me
After her shameful parents gave her a box

But this is history
For now my baby is at a lost
Since I watched your mother pass away

This, only moments after giving birth
To you, angel in my arms,
Fighting to keep you, angel baby, alive only to die herself

Now angel, you are mine
For this your mother requested
If, by chance, all went wrong

Which by my shear sorrow
This has happened
And now you, Angel baby, sleeps

You sleep not knowing of your future
Not a word
Not a worry

For you know not
This life will be hard
Hard as a rock

You only feel warmth in this white blanket
As your body shifts positions
And my hand-made blanket turns

Oh you're so lucky
While most teens abort
Here you are in my arms

We rock some more
Back and forth
Back and forth

I hold you tighter
Softly singing many lullabies
That tell of a perfect world that shall not exist

How lucky not to realize
How bad your life will be
Not good as in my notes of song
You do not know
That you are poor
Or that you are rich

This matters not to you
All you feel is the fabric
Of your soft blanket

Tomorrow you will see
As your dear mother's coffin
Kisses the ground

And, my poor Angel,
You shall feel nothing
Only the rough wood of the black box

You will never understand
The love you were washed in
By just that one person-being your mother

You are still washed, though
This love flows all over you
This comes from me

But who am I
Only a 17 year-old boy
Without a future

Not a plan to my name
No ideas of fatherhood
Only a roof to put over your head

How lucky I'm to have my wonderful parents
To keep me
And allow your mother

Now they say they'll help me
With what ever I need
To keep you, my beautiful baby,

But this won't last long
With my parents money spread thin
We'll soon be poor

No matter what
I'll always love you, Angel,
No matter what

We continue to rock
Not a worry enters
Not a word exits

Now I cry for I know
I know that you are my baby
And I cry for I know nothing about being a parent

I never learned which was which
Between Gerber
And the Pampers

How am I to know
Where ever do I place them
Where from your head to toe

So now you sleep
Both hungary
And also unclothed

Oh my Angel
I'm so sorry
Please forgive me

Your mother loved you so much
I shall never be able to show you
How much I love, too

I'll never be home
I'll have food on the table
At the cost of love

But believe me
I love you, Angel
I'm so very sorry

You were and are loved so much
You deserve better
You have rights to so much more

You've lost so much
Not even the true parents of your mom
Are willing to partake of your beauty

"Not a child of teen pregnancy!"
They shouted as your mother came to them
Only to be casted out with sure hate in their taste.

Never again did they allow her near them
So I found her in the rain
Asleep in her "Toys-R-Us" box

She slept cautiously
Not more than eight feet near her
Before she awoke with club in hand

She cried when my face became clear
She knew I came in peace
For she had heard that her sister had broken off with me

She knew I had come for her
She knew I had come to help
She was pregnant with you for two months

Your new grandparents gave her love
She too was washed
She was washed 'till the day of her pass

Her joy was high
We gave her your new room
Which she decorated blue

She never thought you,
My Angel,
Would be a girl

You were to be Bob
Maybe Fred
Timmy or Tommy

Now as you sleep in your warm blanket
You sleep silently
You sleep a girl

You are just an Angel
Angel Baby
My baby of no name

Rocking in our chair
Back and forth
Back and forth

Not a worry
Not a word
Silently sleeping

Do you realize that this is it
I can offer no more
This is all I have

Your crib is a donation from my parents
Not a "daddy" made as I wanted too
Which I sweat with pain making

The only cloths are for your older years
All to wear now is a half knitted sock
Which your mother tried at

This is all you'll ever have
Only donations
Others used stuff

Just this
For my sleeping Angel of no name
Nothing more

No stuffed animals that didn't come in covered wagons
All from others
All donations

I'm so sorry baby
I'm so sad for you
You'll never have what I had

So lets rock some more
Lets not worry
Lets not release our words

We'll feed you later
Maybe even a diaper, too
But sleep now, Angel

Rock
Back and forth
Back and forth

-- written 1995

The BEAN

" May the world have his peace!
The world and peace..."
The little boy's mother asked
As birth begun

While far far away
The peace had ceased
And a war had begun
Over a missing bean

It seems that a bean was missing
And caused a quarrel
Between two governing countries

This was first cease for both
The tearing had just begun
At the hearts of man
Over a bean.
A missing bean

So all the soldiers got in their tanks
Armed themselves,
Ready to fight
They started their charge

When they stopped to admire
An infant boy who crawled out in front
Of that on coming pain
To end the day

He carried with him a seed and flowery things
He dug up this ground
And deposited the seed
He then planted his flowery things.

All the soldiers were amazed with this
That they ended their day on a joyful note
By leaving the metal beasts
And leading the way to the supper games

Hands shook hand in hand
In amazement of how a child could end
That amazing day
Which could have died
Because of a single bean.

Many years passed
And died the flowery things
And seed grew until its bloody end
When the soldiers chopped down the tree

On this day the peace once again ceased
The war had begun
Over a bean
One single bean

It seams another bean was missing
And caused an argument
Between two great presidents

Round two for both
The tearing had begun again
Mans' heart on a silver platter
Over a bean
A missing bean

The presidents sent the soldiers to their tanks
Now armed with A.K. 40-7's
All ready to act out a bloody fight

They began their religious throng
When they suddenly stopped to notice
A 15 year old

A boy who stumbled into their way
Stopping that horrible day
Blocking their rage
Blocking their hate.

The boy carried with him a small brown seed
And many pretty flowery things
And he dropped to his knees
And planted his seed and flowery things

The soldiers gazed
And when finally done he got up
And was quickly gone again

At this the soldiers finished the day
Going to feed
In a happy mood for which could have ended
Deadly

Then it happened it again
After many nonviolent years
The peace was ceased
As died the flowery things
And lightning hit the tree to kill

Quickly was a bean missing
Getting many upset
Making a new argument

This time a day was waited
Before starting a war
To see if the bean
Chose to return

And one day later
No bean did appear
So off to the tanks
To make the enemy disappear like the bean

And once they arrived
In this place to die
They halted and stared
At a dead body which chose this place to rest

Which was a old man
With all grey hair
And a wrinkly body
So fragile and frail

Here he laid dead
With flowery things
And hands clasping a precious seed
Which resembled the bean

The soldiers in awe
They didn't see the enemy's bullets
Forth coming
To start a war that day

Killing millions
And striking fear
This war traveled on
For many years

With the warriors dropping left and right
And bones of the old man
Crunching at the end

When suddenly all the men
Stopped the world
And a mothers plea
Was finally given

For all of man was destroyed
And with them went the animals
And ended the blood shed
And earth beheld her peace
As plants grew endlessly

Never arguing
Never killing
Only ever lasting growth
As peace showed itself in everything

And all this happened because of
You and me
And a bean

-Written 1995

die

Screw today
Let me die
Forget you all

--written 1994

Flower

A flower
Be a flower
Bloom flower

Oh flower
Oh flower
How can I be thee

Let me frolic like thee
Let me fly like thee
Let me "pollinate"

Thy beauty
Over come all
Wrap me in it

Nah! Forget it
I'll be a rock
Yeah- a rock

- Written 1995

Lanae Verse Four: Maybe

If she told me were through
I swear I'd die
Couldn't live without her
That's for sure

Or maybe

If she told me it was over
I'd go climb in a hole
And cover up with a rock
Yeah; a rock

Or maybe

If she told me to forget it
I'd cry the night on
I'd become dehydrated
Shrivel up like a prune

Or maybe

If she said that she wished we never had happened
I'd tell her she was wrong
And go and date
Possibly her best friend

Or maybe

If she broke all the promises
I'd lose all sanity
Ride the padded wall
And screw society

Or maybe

If she returned the ring
I'd recycle it
Forget her
And live on

But screw the maybe's
I'm always hers
Or maybe

--written 1996

having the answers

the economy
it sucks honey

come june i might be layed off
but it isn't till november when you come home

i wonder if
i will be able to be there for you
i wonder if
i can tell you everything will be okay
i wonder if
you will believe me

God is on our side
i know
God wants us to be happy
i know
God will provide a way
i know

but now i wish i knew the answers
to be able to hold you tight and say
"Honey, we will make it through this,
at least for today."

missing you

i miss you
not like i thought i'd miss you
i miss the walking with you
i miss the holding of you
i miss the sweet nothings in my ear
and the soft touch of your hair

i miss not being told every plant
every bush
every tree

i miss miss your smile
i miss your thoughts

i know you are off
doing the work of God
but it doesn't make me miss you
any less