The voice of my God, and the things He chooses to tell me

(A grove near my office that in theory I could come read my book during my lunch)

On Sunday I met with my bishop and had a rather strange experience happen. He ended my church discipline and restored my priesthood. For the first time since February 2007, on Sunday I can take the sacrament. I'm humbled by this course change in my life. For the first time in a long time, I have felt deeply loved by my Heavenly Father. The words I have sought for from my Heavenly Father were delivered in my Bishops voice. No one could know that those were the words I was praying for because I rarely pray out loud.  Usually, my time talking to God is done as I drive my truck to or from work. But as I sat in my bishop's Fairfield, the words I have pleaded for came to me. Then the words I hadn't quite asked for came to me. We discussed my on again off again relationship with Amy. He asked why we broke up this time and I told him it came down to her desire to remain a free spirit and be spontaneous and my craving for structure including planned activities and planned dates. The next words out of my bishop's mouth were "Opposites attract." He mentioned that he is a planner and his wife is not. He said that it was something that he and her just had to get over. So all day long today that's been on my mind. Do opposites really attract? 

In a recent post I talked about the qualities of girlfriend's past. Today involved more thinking about past girlfriends. I wonder if maybe I'm doing this dating thing wrong. I wonder if my approach to Amy was founded wrong. I wonder if I am looking for "the perfect girl" and ignoring that there are some near perfect girls out there. I thought I had perfection with KNJ, and yet, now, 6 years later, I can't think of anyone else I'd rather not be married to as what she does with her life now.  I look at Mahon and Cindy (99% of my understanding of them is through the internet so I may not see the whole picture) and they seem "perfect" for each other. I never get the feeling that they were opposites that chose to forgo a quality they wanted in a spouse. I look at my own parents. My father was catholic and my mother was Mormon. She was a nurse and my father faints at the sight of vomit. My father was in into technology and my mother still sent snail mail letters up to the month she died. Yet for 32 years they made and amazing life together full of trips, vacations, children, struggles and joys. In just the last 10 years of her life, my mother had over 20 surgeries and she came to from those surgeries with a man who helped build ramps so she could get in and out of the house; he set up her flowers on sprinkler systems so that her flowers would get watered while she was in the hospital. Did their opposites attract and create this life? Should I be looking for an opposite? Or should I be looking for for the girl I think would be perfect for me? 

Today was a day of pondering. Thank goodness I have my new iTouch to listen to. As I strolled through the grove tonight on my way out to my truck, I pondered and listen to Hilary play this song.

Service is rarely fit to your schedule

It's 12:01 in the morning and I am no where near the bed that was beckoning me just 60 minutes prior. I am instead sitting in an ER waiting room, laptop open and fingers typing. Service never seems to come calling at 10 in the morning after a good night's rest.

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On Sunday, during a testimony meeting, a friend got up and talked about learning to let himself go. He talked about the importance of that scripture "Whosoever will save his life shall lose it; and whosoever will lose his life for My Sake shall find it." and the other "When you are in the service of your fellow being you are only in the service of your God." My friend was talking about giving service to me.

I live at a house that was a foreclosure and bought as an investment. The owner of the house then got transferred out to Indiana. In able to keep renters in the house, the owner is charging a very low rate, but with that low rate comes the responsibility of taking care of the house. A shed in the back yard had started to lean and was in danger of taking out the back fence if the shed leaned any more. So I sent out a desperate plea for help with the shed on Facebook. There were many conflicts for the time I chose. One big conflict for my friend was a desire to see a girl he is courting. He had commitments in the afternoon that he couldn't get out of so it was a very simple choice of seeing her or helping tearing down the shed. He read that scripture earlier in the week and felt impressed to come to my place.

My friend testified on Sunday about the joy and peace that entered him as he worked on the shed. Some things that had been frustrating him disappeared as the shed took on his anxious energy. His mind cleared as he focused on the shed and its ultimate demise.

As he left he was invigorated and felt energized. He was better at ease and was asking if there was more work to be done. His afternoon went well and he even got to see that cute girl.

The core of his testimony was how he went to provide service for me and yet when he left - he felt the service had been done to him. For the most part - I think that is how service works. I've never walked away from a service activity that I said to myself "Gosh that was a waste."

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In a few minutes I will post this and start reading a new book I got in the mail today. Just in the nick of time, a book a friend recommended arrived today in the mail. A service by a friend to keep me entertained while I provide service to a friend. What a nice circle.

making it through the storm

As I sat in my office the last 2 hours of the day, it was unavoidable to hear the wind picking up the pace outside. Each time the automatic door opened bigger and bigger gusts of wind were able to force there way into the building. Whether it was predicted or not, we had a cold front and a rain storm on its way.

At 3:30 I adventured out to my truck and saw on my western horizon a dark line forming in the sky. There were no individual clouds, only a thick grey cloud. I drove west, heading right for it.

As I got closer to the dark horizon, I noticed to my right the Delta already engulfed in the suffocating clouds. Around me the wind increased and knocked my light truck bed around like I was a pinata at an Oakland Athletics' batting practice. Shortly before the hill that arose in front of me, the sky began to open up, first my spitting on my windshield, but eventually it came down in sheets and decreased the visibility of the other motorists in front of me. By the time I reached the crest of the hill, little white beads started to pepper the hood of my truck. Hail is not common in California, but this little storm didn't let that deter it. My truck's hood turned from bright red to speckled white.

I pressed on.

By the time I reached the bridge, I was on the other side. The only visibility problem I faced now was the bright sun cascading down from the baby blue sky. The wet pavement reflected the shine up, filled the truck cab with warmth and a little bit of glare. As I looked back over the darkened Delta, I thought of the near ending of the Truman Show. Truman, in the midst of his own storm, shouts up at the sky and screams "Is that the best you can do?" I too felt that way as a smile settled on my face and I thought about the other storms in my life. They might seem dark and able to toss me around. But waiting on just the other side is sunshine and an attitude of "Is that the best you can do? Because that trial - that storm - wasn't nearly enough to knock me off course.

Thinking outloud

In the course of any given week there are a million things that float through my head. A lot of it just comes and goes and so I don't worry too much about it. As this week concludes, though, there are about 5 things still floating through my head.

1. In Pirates of the Caribbean (the first and best one), was Elizabeth Swan immortal from the time she met Will Turner on the crossing from England up until the time the gold medallion is taken from her? According to the rules that were established in the movie - those that posses the stolen Aztec gold are incapable of dying.
1B. How did Boostrap die if he was also immortal (being a member of the original crew)?

2. I wonder if it is possible to have more filtered stories of heroic acts. Firefighters, police officers, and soldiers doing heroic things - with a filter that didn't dive into their personal lives. One of the things that annoys me about professional sports and dramatic TV (i.e. Rescue Me or ER or Third Watch) is that we know so much about the players and performers. (Plus, of course there is so little heroism showed in modern day sports.). I would just like to read and see often in the news or on TV the heroic acts of those we walk the streets with.

3. The Bible Dictionary states: "Prayer is the act by which the will of the Father and the will of the child are brought into correspondence with each other. The object of prayer is not to change the will of God, but to secure for ourselves and others blessings that God is already willing to grant, but are made conditional on us asking for them. Blessings require some work or effort on our part before we can obtain them."
On the one hand I look to God as being the great Santa. For several months i write letters to Santa asking for the new Star Wars Lego set. I tell him every time I see him at the mall (I even yell it from the second story out side Macy's "Hey Santa! It's Sean - we talked last week! Just wanted to remind you that I wanted the Millennium Falcon!")
However, come Christmas Morning I would get socks. Come January I would need the new warmer socks so I could play outside. His blessings were there despite my pleadings.
On the other hand I struggle with the point of prayer. If my will will never be granted and it is only His will that will be granted on his timeline - what is the point of me pleading with the Lord. If all I'm ever going to ask for is the things He won't give me and He won't give me things that I don't ask for - then really I'm never going to get out of this hole. The best way I can think of this is that He has Coke sitting there waiting for me - but if the only things I ever ask for is Pepsi, Rootbeer, Sprite or water - nothing will happen. He won't bless me with Coke because I didn't ask for it. He won't bless me with the others because that is not His will. And if it never occurs to me to ask for Coke we will never have a meeting of wills. Then what is the point to prayer but to guess what His will is?

4. What do you do with friends that aren't accepting to change? After 3 years of being apart from John, I returned to discover I had changed a lot, and so had he. We were different people - but we tried to keep the friendship going despite some glaring differences. One day while we were out grocery shopping I suggested Savemart and he was shocked. "I thought you said you would never shop there again." I asked when I said that. "5 years ago." was the response. I tried to relate that in that amount of time I have learned what is good and can get from Savemart. However, that experience has stood as an example of how people can change over time.
The reason this particular question has been in my head is because I'm in similar situation. Over the past 4 months I have grown closer to a friend. While I'm not the dog for her and she isn't the owner for me, right now we are good for each other. Over the last four months, a different friend has been away on an internship. She has not been around to watch as me and this other girl have grown tighter. At a recent event I was massaging the feet of the girl I've grown tighter with. Suddenly the girl who recently returned from her internship shouted out, "I thought you didn't massage feet! You told me you didn't massage feet!" Which is true. And 6 months earlier I didn't. But on that night, with that young lady, I did.
Since that time I've been worried about my friendship with my recently returned friend. In what other ways have I changed in the last 4 months that will cause discord in our friendship? Do I try to be the person I was 4 - 6 months ago or do I expect the friend to be adaptable.
With John it became clear that 3 years was just too long. We are still friends but much less than the friends we were when we were friends prior to my departure to the Lord's University in Idaho. I'm not sure I'm ready to see my friend of 4 months ago go the same way.

5. Josh just celebrated his 5 years of Photo A Day. On March 4th (or somewhere around there - never been all that good at math) I will celebrate my 1000th picture. I wonder if that is enough. In a recent post by Cindy about violin neglect, Cindy's Mom commented that there is a time and a season for all things. I wonder if 1000 pictures is a decent season.

The Kingdom process

My mind, for the last several weeks, has been wrapping around the idea of Building the Kingdom. There are several blogs that I read that ask the question: What am I doing today to build the Kingdom of God? For several weeks, I've been asking the simpler question - how are kingdoms built?

It may surprise you to know that there aren't a whole lot of websites dedicated to building a kingdom. There isn't a "Building Kingdoms for Dummies" book I could borrow from the library. There is much in the history books that talk of kingdoms of past and present, but each article or book refers to kingdoms as they are and not as they became.

For example, the Kingdom of Scotland was united by King Cinead I in 843 (according to wiki). Who made him king is a little fuzzy and how he came to create the Kingdom of Scotland, which in turn became the United Kingdom, also is very hard to understand. However, for the purposes of this discussion, King Cinead I did not leave behind any details of his kingdom. He merely created the dynasty that ruled that island.

This trip into history lead me very uninformed. I still don't understand how kingdoms are created. However, in the course of this research I discovered what some of the parts of the kingdom are and how some people went about expanding their kingdoms.

Components:
One of the first mentioned components of a kingdom was a king. There is a man leading the way. Occasionally there were queens leading the way where I think it was then called a Queendom (but I couldn't confirm that. I did however read reports that if a King fell by way of violent defeat, the queen was either killed as well or forced into a new marriage with the person that just stained his sword with her deceased husband's blood). Once the king was in place he made assignments to those in his kingdom. (Interesting to me, there was no one that placed themselves in an honorable position. Those positions were appointed by the king. It reminded me of Hebrews 5:4.) Rules were established and ways to enforce them were created. Al of this was done as the king oversaw.
The next component was minions or peons. What good is being king if there is no one is below you. So the next component of being king was to have people to rule over. Kingdoms I assume started with a base group of people. For the purposes of this post - let's say it was 12 families. These 12 families listened intently to what the king proclaimed and went about trying to do it. Some did this out of fear but others did this out of love for the king. The king was someone most believed was leading them with their best intentions at heart (if he wasn't he might have to deal with a revolution and those were never fun). We'll talk about expansion in a second, but it is safe to say that as those in the kingdom grew, the role of the king grew and the duties and responsibilities grew for those who were on the counsel of the king.
The last component I found that commonly ran through the Kingdoms I read about was having buildings. The King had his place - often a castle with a throne. The people immediately below the king had their places - the west wing of the kingdom occasionally. Then those below had shacks, small homes, tents and caves. The Kingdom encompassed these smaller establishments. Unless you include the farm land, most of these encampments were included within a castle wall or at least somewhere that was protected from an enemy. At the center of these castle enclosures was a place for the king to meet with the people. It was a place for entertainment, instruction, and enlightenment. It was a place to come and be instructed by the king and to laugh with him as well (usually at the expense of a prisoner and some wild underfed animal). There could be one or several castles within a kingdom.

Expansion:
There seemed to be a lot of reasons for expansion. Some times there would be a group of smaller Kingdoms that would group up to fight off a larger kingdom. There was some kings that measured their success by the size of their kingdoms (which I'm sure is where the comment "It's not the size but what you do with it" comes from - as some kings had huge kingdoms that turned into empires that are now just a footnote in a history book), and so those kings would invade other places, slaughter those that resisted and expand the borders. (according to Malcomb Reynolds it isn't always a good idea to fight against those trying to form an alliance or those expanding their borders)
Another reason for expansion was immigration. And this really has been where my mind has been at for the last few weeks. People came to a kingdom because they liked what it had to offer. the kings rules were fair, just, and merciful. The people liked each other and cared for their neighbors. They were people you wanted to live near. Throngs of people would leave an oppressed place, land or kingdom and give everything they had to be somewhere where they felt they belonged - somewhere inviting. Somewhere that brought peace to their souls and hearts.

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As congregations in the US shrink, I wonder about the building up of Christ's Kingdom. There is a King. There are places to go for safety. There are chapels and temples that are available to sit at our one Instructor's Feet and be taught. There are wholesome recreational activities within the kingdom walls (roadshows, choirs, pageants, and even beaches and mountains near by). We have the components for the building of His Kingdom. So my thought are with the reasons why people are immigrating away from this Kingdom and to another or others.

Feeling irresponsible

For the last several days I’ve been thinking about what it would feel like to be irresponsible. I’m trying to determine if it is a good feeling or a bad feeling. I tend to err on the side of being responsible. I always have. I’ve long thought that my word and a handshake should be as good as a contract. For the most part it is and that has lead to a very responsible life.

Tomorrow I really would like to go hiking or go to the beach (or both), but it doesn’t look like it is going to happen. My list for tomorrow is as follows: clean rabbit cage, build better rabbit pen, fix broken rabbit hutch, build compost bin, level garden, pull weeds, hoe rows, connect water to garden, return stuff to Lowe’s, finish up at Brian’s place, write up bills, do laundry, clean room, clean bathroom and go hiking. Because these are all things that either need to get done or I said will get done – I need to do them. What I wish I had the ability to do though was to say – Screw it, I’m going to Angel Island.

And that’s really what I’ve been thinking about – why can’t I do that? Why can’t I let go of the consequences and just do? I don’t drink alcohol or date girls that drink because I may be allergic. I don’t smoke because it will probably cause lung cancer. I don’t drive fast, switch lanes erratically or blow past red lights because I might lose control and I might hurt someone or myself. If I say I’m going to do something I do because if I don’t I might leave someone in a bind. In high school Lanae and I used at least one if not two forms of birth control because otherwise we might get her pregnant. I don’t pick up girls at bars and sleep with them because they might have a disease that I would then give to my future wife. I don’t screw around with married girls because it might cause a divorce that would affect the children or I might get her knocked up and then what would we do? I obey the posted speed limit in residential because there might be a kid and, as much as I like having new clients, I do want to hurt a kid. I think it’s really unfair that while I’ve always paid my bill on time and never missed a payment, my credit card company keeps raising my interest rates to help offset all of those people that are defaulting on their credit cards. But do I keep paying – heck yeah. Why? Because I might buy a house or go to grad school some day in the future and I don’t want my credit score screwed with. Also, they agreed to loan me the money and so I agree to pay it back on the crappy terms we agreed to at the time of the loan.

Why can’t I just say screw it and walk away? When others seem to be able to do it so easily – what is it about the maybe’s, the might’s and the possibly’s that have such a hold on me.

Last night I was talking to a friend about God. She was talking about her desire to give up on God. What has He done for her lately that she should trust Him to do anything for her? Knowing the house I grew up in, she asked me why I never gave up. I told her that I had thought about it. I’ve weighed the options: Do I get home safely because in every closing prayer of every meeting I go to someone says “and please bless we all get home safely” or have I gotten home safely because I’m a good driver, my parents taught me how to drive defensively and I obey most traffic signs? When I pray for His spirit (Christlike persona) to be with me and then on some weeks I don’t pray at all and I for the most part feel no different – then why not just forget about Him and go on living my life as I want to? All I could tell her was that there is a God and He probably is in charge and if He is and I give up on Him – then that wouldn’t be very responsible of me. So for now – I put some of my trust in Him on some things and others not so much. Because I said I would (to my mom) and because it is the responsible thing to do. But that doesn’t stop me from wondering what it would feel like to say Screw it and not care if there is or is not a God. I wonder if it would feel anything like it would to say screw it to my credit card, or my reluctance to pick up girls in the bar or my reluctance to blow off my household responsibilities and go to the beach.

Learning the hard way with mole crickets and sprinklers

I'm not a quick learner most of the time. Despite Nina's claims that I am brilliant, at times I'm rather dumb. Yesterday and today has been spent fixing a sprinkler Valve system for a customer. Before I go any further I should probably describe a "customer."

I used to own a landscape company where in I charged people large sums of money to pull their weeds, mow their lawns, trim their trees and work on installing or modifying sprinkler systems. I loved every aspect of it but that first part. I don't really like telling people what I'm worth. I would rather have people tell me what I'm worth to them. This is one of the big reasons I don't work in sales. Some people treasure their lawns and so they pay handsomely. Other people see their lawns as a burden and only want to pay me what they absolutely have to to get the job done. I really don't care either way.

Now that I have a full time job that I love, I usually tell my customers to pay me with food. I HATE grocery shopping, meal planning and cooking (yet I love baking). So in barter I work, and I get fed. I have several vegetarian customers that are opening me up to a world without meat (I never really knew it existed).

Because I don't charge customers, I often tell them the truth. I am self and father taught. I don't guarentee my work and there is a strong chance that I might be wrong. (Though I never am.) (Usually). If you want a professional trades person or a college landscape person - go hire them.

That said - I still try to provide the best work I can.
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On Saturday, after the game, I was telling my father of my plans. I told him I had a hard sprinkler job coming up. Knowing how much Icharge customers, my father asked me if I needed the job and if they were going to feed me or pay me. If they weren't paying me, why do the job. I told him I needed to do this job to learn. Eight months ago I had the same customer and I did the job and I screwed up. I needed to do this job to teach me about my last screw up.

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In October of 1999 I met a man who had just talked in General Conference a few weeks before. This man left such a huge impression on me in October conference that year that I remember the talk today. Then a member of the Seventy, Elder Niel L Andersen related the following story.

Let me illustrate with an experience. Our family lived for many years in the state of Florida. Because Florida has a high concentration of sand, lawns there are planted with a large broadleaf grass we call Saint Augustine. A formidable enemy of a Florida lawn is a small, brown insect called a mole cricket.

One evening as my neighbor and I stood on the front steps, he noticed a little bug crossing my sidewalk. “You better spray your lawn,” he warned. “There goes a mole cricket.” I had sprayed the lawn with insecticide not too many weeks previously, and I hardly felt that I had the time or money to do it again so soon.

In the light of the next morning, I examined my lawn closely. It was lush and beautifully green. I looked down into the grass to see if I could see any of the little bugs. I could see none. I remember thinking, “Well, maybe that little mole cricket was just passing through my yard on the way to my neighbor’s yard.”

I watched my lawn for more than a week, looking for signs of invaders, but none was evident. I congratulated myself that I had not overreacted to my neighbor’s warning.

The story, however, has a sad ending. I came out the front door one morning, about 10 days after the conversation with my neighbor. Shockingly, as if it had happened overnight, brown spots covered my lawn. I ran to the garden store, bought the insecticide, and sprayed immediately, but it was too late. The lawn was ruined, and to return it to its former state required a new crop of sod, long hours of work, and large expense.

My neighbor’s warning was central to my lawn’s welfare. He saw things I could not see. He knew something I did not know. He knew that mole crickets live underground and are active only at night, making my daytime examinations ineffective. He knew that mole crickets did not eat the leaves of the grass but rather found nourishment in the roots. He knew that these little inch-long creatures could eat a lot of roots before I would ever see the effect above the ground. I paid a dear price for my smug independence.
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Yesterday I spent 2.5 hours digging up old pipes and valves in wet rotting sand. Tonight I spent 3 hours building a new manifold and installing as much as I can. I didn't get done and will have to come back on Saturday to finish the job. I was planning on going hiking on Saturday. I was planning on working in my garden on Saturday. I was planning on sleeping in on Saturday. Instead I will wake up and go fix my customers' valve system.

I should have listened to the lessons of old bosses, my father, and my own past experiences. But I didn't. I didn't do any of that 8 months ago and now I get to do it all over again. Hopefully, after Saturday is over I will have learned.
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Elder Andersen continues:
We live in a wonderful day. The blessings of our generation are lush and beautifully green. With faith in the Savior and obedience to the commandments, our lives can be full of satisfaction and joy.

Yet in these days of much beauty, our challenges in choosing to serve the Lord are more subtle than those of former days, but without question they are as spiritually pervasive. There are spiritual mole crickets that burrow under our protective walls and invade our delicate roots. Many of these insects of wickedness appear small, at times almost invisible. Yet if we do not combat them, they will do damage and attempt to destroy that which is most precious to us.

The warnings of the Prophets and Apostles lead them ever and always to speak of the home and family. Let me demonstrate the warning voice of the Prophets. On February 11 of this year, the First Presidency, with the support of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles, sent to every member of the Church a letter of counsel concerning our families. Let me read you just two sentences from this letter:

“We counsel parents and children to give highest priority to family prayer, family home evening, gospel study and instruction, and wholesome family activities. However worthy and appropriate other demands or activities may be, they must not be permitted to displace the divinely appointed duties that only parents and families can adequately perform” (“Policies, Announcements, and Appointments,” Ensign, June 1999, 80).

What is our reaction to this prophetic counsel? What has been my response and your response to this First Presidency letter of nearly eight months ago?
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The cost to my customers will be more of an annoyance than an abundance (About $75). However, there are lessons to be learned that are more costly when not learned. I haven't been myself lately. I've been sad, depressed and overly not enthused. This time last year I was excited about putting in the garden, taking great pictures and being generally happy. This year, I'm not. One big difference is my lack of tithing payments, scripture study and personal prayer. These are tiny things. It doesn't take more than 10 minutes in the morning to read a few verses and say a prayer. It doesn't take much to write a check on Sundays or to read a chapter of scripture at night. But I still don't. And being not myself is the lesson I am learning. This is a lesson 25 years in the making. There are some things in particular (thorns in my flesh really) that the Lord has been trying to teach me since I was 14. But I listen not. I ignore His advice and His counsel and lean on to my own understanding. And just like the sprinklers, I'm constantly having to come in, repair some damage, and make a new attempt.
One of my good friends has been doing the same. She too has been leaning unto her own understanding and not the Lord's counsel. I often wonder when she will start listening and stop letting her own actions destroy her life.
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Experiences like today can be of great value or they can be worthless. Only when I learn can they be of value - and they will be a value beyond measure. But if I allow myself to forget about the hassle of this job, well then it will be for nothing and that - that would be really sad.

tried the gift

Are trials a gift from God?

Katie talks

In case you miss it, see here.

Being Patient even with Lucifer

"Wherefore, men are free according to the flesh; and all things are given them which are expedient unto man. And they are free to choose liberty and eternal life, through the great Mediator of all men, or to choose captivity and death, according to the captivity and power of the devil; for he seeketh that all men might be miserable like unto himself." - 2Nephi 2:27

"Get thee hence Satan." St. Matthew 4:1-11

On Sunday in Gospel Principles class, we were studying the third chapter "Jesus Christ, Our Chosen Leader and Savior." The teacher decided that instead of writing down a list of Christlike attributes (because we could do that by going to page 12 in this manual), what she wanted us to do was to write read various stories about Christ and talk about what we learn about Christ from these stories. One story we read was of Christ fasting in the wilderness. After 40 days and 40 nights Christ emerged and Satan was there to tempt. Satan tempts several times before eventually Christ sends Satan on his way. Cindy asked: What did we learn about Christ?

Several people mentioned Christ's ability to resist temptation. I saw a different attribute.

Before the worlds were created we were all spiritual children of our Heavenly Father. (Who loved us as we loved him). In that pre-mortal realm we were all give our agency to choose good or evil. As we know from a whole host of scriptures, a division occurred in heaven and one third of the host of heaven CHOSE to side with Lucifer. As far as I understand the scriptures - even Lucifer still has the ability to choose.

When it came my turn I mentioned that this passage in St Matthew showed Jesus Christ being patient and not taking away Lucifer's chose to tempt or not to tempt. Christ patiently waited as Lucifer tempted and tempted again. It wasn't until the third temptation, the third time Satan chose to be a tempter, that Christ turned to him and told him to go. I think that shows a lot of patience. I know in my life I'm very impatient with Lucifer and would like him gone as soon as he arrives. So to patiently wait for him to have ample opportunity to let Satan express his resolve to continue to choose to be a tempter - I think that shows some good patience on the part of Jesus Christ.

I only share this because everyone in the class said that they had never thought that way before and that they liked my example. I think it is important to share when you receive knew knowledge, I hope you don't mind me sharing this.

Singin again

"For my soul delighteth in the song of the heart; yea, the song of the righteous is a prayer unto me, and it shall be answered with a blessing upon their heads." - D&C 25:12

"There is music in my soul today,
A carol to my King,
And Jesus listening can hear
The songs I cannot sing." - There is Sunshine in my Soul Today

When I attended BYU-Idaho, one of my favorite activities was to gather under the stadium seats near the football field on Sunday nights. It didn't matter the temperature - it could be in the negative numbers or the triple digits - I could count on others meeting me there and having a musical prayer with our Heavenly Father. Even though the event is referred to as Stadium Singing, as we know from D&C, it really is stadium praying.

Each Sunday people gathered in groups with flashlights and head lamps or even some just using the lights from their cell phones, and with one voice they sang out of the hymn books. There were some favorites among the groups, but it was all request and sometimes there was a new song to be heard. Sometimes there would be a primary song or a song from a church youth program called EFY - and at those times, I simply stood there and listened. I have a few special hymns (two more: 1, 2) in my life and every now and then I was blessed with a tender mercy to hear them.

I often don't feel well, and so on nights when that happened, I would open the windows of my apartment and hear the joyful noises serenade me. I miss having this every Sunday in my life.

--

I have had a cold for the last 6 weeks. For the most part it has been mild. I had 7 days where it was very intense, but the other 5 weeks I had at least a cough and usually a runny nose. (I made a comment to a co-worker that my nose had been running for so long it should be slimmer, toned and ready to run a marathon.) One of the downsides to this cold has been a cough that prevented singing. Worse than that, this no singing cough came at my most favorite time of the year - Christmas. I wasn't able to participate at church in the celebration of Christ's birth or in other miracles. Every time I would start to sing, I would start to cough, and I would continue to cough and eventually have to leave the chapel in search of water or cough drops.

Now I'm not a fantastic singer. When they ask for people to join the ward choir, occasionally some one will point out that they aren't asking for me in particular to join the ward choir. I'm good at backstage theatre which involves a incredible amount of not singing. However, I love to sing. I sing in my truck all the time (Usually to country those this song has been getting a lot of time in my mouth.). I have very much missed singing in church these last 6 weeks.
Today in church I was finally able to sing. It was so great. I sang with the congregation in my family ward and my singles ward. I sang in Sunday School and priesthood. I sang at the fireside tonight. I sang where ever I could sing praises unto my King.

At the end of Sacrament today, a window in heaven was open and I was given a tender mercy. After the closing prayer the postlude was played. I always sit and listen, mainly as a way to sustain the musicians in their calling. Today though I was blessed. As I sat there I thought to myself, "It is a shame we could not sing 'There is Sunshine in my Soul today.'" And as I thought it and my Heavenly Father heard it, over the pipes it came, filling my soul with love, happiness and joy. Unlike the other songs she was organing (?), our organist didn't stop after one verse. She played the notes to all four which allowed me to sing to my self verse two "There is music in my soul today," and to smile as I did so.

The Demons within

"Sean, I have five levels of depression. There is the first that I tell your dad. There is the second that I tell you. There is the third I tell my therapist. The last two I can't tell anyone. They scare me and terrify me and keep me up at night. For some of it only two people know what's there - me and the woman that did it to me. For other parts they are just my dark demons." - mom

It's finals time. Which really only means one thing for me - I'm avoiding doing the projects and homework I need to do. Tonight I cleaned my room and did my laundry. Tomorrow night I'll drive to Oakland and watch Messiah. Sunday night I'll find something to do to limit my studying availability. It's one of my self defeating personality issues. This semester is actually quite interesting - I usually self destruct in a semester a lot sooner.

Part of my avoidance technique is veggie in front of my computer. Tonight I watched a very interesting movie called "Lars and the Real Girl" (recommended to me by Brad). It is the story of a guy dealing with the things in his life in a not so conventional way. It's a really good movie both because it is funny and sweet, but more to me, it's a dance with unconventional psychology. I like psycho therapy that doesn't involve the couch and the laying down.

I think it's that couch that scares me the most.
--

I see a lot of hurt in the world today. In the past few weeks I've had friends die, get raped, find out they can't have kids and that they are seriously ill and will need to spend the holidays in the hospital. I see a lot of hurt in strained marriages and hard childhoods. And I want to help. Over the next few months I'm going to be taking some psychology classes, and if things go well in those classes - I will start the process to get a degree in clinical psychology. I feel a need to help those that are hurting.

There's just one problem. In able to help those others - I have to first confront myself.
--

I have some inner demon issues. On my mission I referred to them as the black dragon (in my journal I used the name Black Dragon so that my kids reading my journal down the road wouldn't exactly know what the particular dragons were. This of course was all before Brother Hayes at BYUI suggested we keep our journals on the computer because it makes it easier to edit out the bad...). My black dragons were a constant fight for my whole mission. I realized a long time ago that I look at the world very differently than a lot of the people around me. And it is in that different looking that I get caught up in fighting those demons.

I've only attempted to get control over these Demons a few times. Once was while I was dating KNJ-P. I have never felt more safe than when I was with her. And so I tried. One of the avenues I attempted was the LDS 12-step program. When I got to step 4 I did as I was directed. Because the LDS church was still using "He did Deliver me from Bondage" there was really no protocol for step 4. So I got a hold of the AA 155 questions (which I sadly couldn't find a link to) and went to work. Thankfully - I've never touched alcohol in my life so like 50 of those questions didn't apply. But some did. Some of those questions cut deep into my soul. I openly wept as I wrote down those answers.

After I was done I moved on to step 5. I knew I needed to share with God, my sponsor and one other person. I chose KNJ-P. We got about 20 questions in when she stopped me. It was too much. Some of those demons were too hard for her to hear about. We never discussed step 4 again. And I stuffed deep down those things that step four had brought to the surface. My mother occasionally got a glimpse of them but for the most part I just kept them low. Eventually mom died and KNJ-P left and I just kept stuffing. However as Colleen says, "To stuff some you have to stuff all."

And so I stuffed and I stuffed and I stuffed. Eventually I went off to BYUI, lasted 6 months before I freaked out at the stress of school and being homesick for a home that didn't exist. (My mom had died the year earlier. It was her who I found comfort in.) I dropped out of school and moved to Oregon (which is a whole other post in it's self.) After a 6 month stay in Oregon I returned to BYUI. And I started therapy. For about a year I met with a school counselor and I brought some stuff to the surface. And then he went on sabbatical and I dug down again. I never liked the new 12 step program that the church adopted. It seemed fake. So I just hunkered down. A few people tried to pry open the mystery box known as Sean - but I didn't let them. I just haven't felt that safe again.

--
In able to go into clinical psychology (or even Marriage and family counseling or sadly even vocational counseling) you must submit to exploratory therapy. You must be willing to meet with a therapist and lay on the couch and open up. You must do what you will ask others to do with you: You must trust that you are safe and that the demons won't destroy you if brought to the surface. You must do what scares the hell out of me and what my one hero, my mom, wasn't able to do. You must open up.
--

During the day I am in love with Melinda. I love her smile. I love the way she tells stories. I love the way she deals with people. I love how she is just herself no matter what others say or do.

At night - I dream with KNJ-P. It used to only happen when I was sober, so I found a way to fix that. Now it doesn't matter. Sober or with the addiction at the helm - it doesn't matter. I have dreams that are so real I feel like We are still right there. Some nights - I never want to wake up because I can still smell her hair and her voice still brings comfort. Other nights, it's all I can do to stay asleep. I wake up and try to think of other stuff and then go back to sleep only to see her again. Adam isn't around - it's just her and I. And it haunts me. I want to flee. Flee back to the land I love. Or flee far from California. But I know from so many other experiences in life - you just can't flee. Life has a way of catching up to you. No matter if you leave the slum, if you have slum in you it remains until either you cleanse yourself from the inside out or you allow Him to do it for you.

--
The time is quickly approaching to make new goals for 2009. (For a review of 2008 go here). I wonder if one of them should be to fight demons. I wonder if one of them should be to overcome the dreams and the fear. I wonder if I can do that and move onto being a better man. I wonder.
--
There is a movie called Bed of Roses. In it a man has had his world fall apart - and so he falls apart for a time. Then he falls for a girl and he starts living again. Eventually the girl breaks his heart. (she breaks her own in the process) After he is done grieving he realizes that he had started living again and so he continues to go on "living." He buys furniture and starts doing some of the things that brought him joy in the past life that he just couldn't bring himself to do any more. He unpacks again, sort of speaks. (eventually the girl returns and they live happily ever after but that isn't the point.)

I wonder if I am ready to start living again, to destroy the demons that hold me back and go on living. That would be nice.

I need a chapel

I really am the sort of guy to not recognize blessings while I have them. For example, being back in CA, I am not blessed with very many LDS friends. I foolishly did not see the blessings of having 16,000 LDS kids living in a few square miles and therefore did not build up very many strong friendships. Now, my list of LDS friends in my area could be counted on one hand.
While living in Idaho, there was this gorgeous garden near my apartment that had lush lawns and waterways. Near, there was a chapel. The chapel was open from 6 AM to 11 PM everyday. On Tuesdays around 1 PM and on Sundays all day, it was loud with people (even in hushed voicesm people are loud). But on any other day it was quiet. As you approached the doors you were reminded to silence your cell phones and to converse in whispers. Once inside - you were left to your thoughts and your own communion with the spirit.

--
I am easily distracted. Even though I have a very capable computer with a link to the LDS website; and even though I have a TV with a BYUTV connection, I still go to church to watch General Conference and Christmas Devotionals. If I stay home, I will not pay attention. I will get distracted. At the last three homes I have lived at, the addiction to TV has been rampant. In Idaho, I would come home from class and no one would be home and the TV would be on. When I lived with John, he used TV to relax and so it was on when he was home (He often didn't watch it, but would have it on as he was cooking or playing on his computer. He has a self made stressful life so I understand his need for relaxing TV). The lady I live with now turns on the TV at 6 AM and turns it off sometime around 11:30 PM. She Tivos everything so the only time it is a TV less house is when she is cooking or using the restroom.
In other words - the homes I live in our not great places to be if you are trying to avoid distractions.
--
I did not realize the blessings I had in Idaho. During the summer there were gardens to lay in and to study about God. During the other 11 months of the year in Idaho when it snows, I had the Taylor Chapel to go to. I didn't. I went to class, went to the library and went home. I rarely spent time in the Taylor using it like I should.
And now, I realize how foolish that was. It has become so hard to find a place of solace to let my soul commune with Him. I wish I knew of a chapel (like the Cathedrals of our brothers and sisters of the Catholic faith) that was open near by where I could go for silence and pondering. I wish I could have taken more from that experience in Idaho.

Often when Melinda writes she shares of how she learned this or this in her personal study. I miss having something to write back. But hopefully - some day I will find a place of solitude where I too can have reverence and time to ponder. And maybe that time - I will recognize the blessing of it and use it more often.

Reversed Tender Mercies

“But behold, I, Nephi, will show unto you that the tender mercies of the Lord are over all those whom he hath chosen, because of their faith, to make them mighty even unto the power of deliverance.” - 1 Ne. 1:20

"If, however, I had been invited to suggest an intermediate hymn for that particular session of the conference—a hymn that would have been both edifying and spiritually soothing for me and for the congregation before my first address in this Conference Center—I would have selected my favorite hymn, 'Redeemer of Israel.' Tears filled my eyes as I stood with you to sing that stirring hymn of the Restoration. My mind was drawn immediately to Nephi’s phrase “the tender mercies of the Lord,” and I knew in that very moment I was experiencing just such a tender mercy. A loving Savior was sending me a most personal and timely message of comfort and reassurance through a hymn selected weeks previously. Some may count this experience as simply a nice coincidence, but I testify that the tender mercies of the Lord are real and that they do not occur randomly or merely by coincidence. Often, the Lord’s timing of His tender mercies helps us to both discern and acknowledge them." - David A Bednar

I love Music. I love the rhythm, the beat and how certain songs just soothe. I am often singing at the top of my lungs as I drive (usually country music) and I have several CDs, iTunes and my family even purchased me a Sirius Satellite system 1 year ago. I LOVE music. My missionary farewell (back when you could have farewells) had more songs than speakers. (Mind you none of them were mine as I have been kicked out of church choirs and I can't play any instruments but the Kazoou.). My "manly Man" friends tease me because I love going to symphonies and musicals and other classical events. But I can't help it - I just love music.

However, music can also hurt. For about a year I slept with this girl. (And I mean that in the very literal sense. We never did get around to having sex. We just slept together. I lived in Pittsburg, CA and she lived in San Jose CA so at times she was too tired to drive home). I really enjoyed waking up next to her. She was (and still is I'm sure) beautiful. A little while after her sleep overs started I started singing to her this song. It became "our" song. Then we broke up. Every now and then I hear it. It used to bring me pain, but now I just smile. She met a great guy and got married and is now very happy livin in Utah and raising their baby. She's very happy and I'm happy for her.

--
8 Months after my mother died I was accepted to the Lord's University. In April of 2004, I packed up my truck and trailer, and my dad and I got everything ready for me to move to Idaho. The night before I left, KNJ & I enjoyed one last evening together. We knew that we'd see each other in July, and then come September she would be in Provo. I didn't think that ride was going to be the end.

I had to take her home in my mom's old car because my truck was loaded to the gills for the trip to the promise land. The antenna on her car had broken off some time earlier. All we had to listen to was tapes in the car. Playing at the time was the Irish Rovers. The Irish Rovers is a band that doesn't see a lot of air time. The song they were singing that night - I've never heard on the radio. As we drove, KNJ said, "Sean I will always remember tonight. The car, the drive and this song. And so will you." And she's right. I remember that night. It was the last day in Camelot. Invaders would destroy my world starting the very next day.

--
I hear Cat and I's song at least once a week. And each time, I am called upon to remember the bright sun rays shinning through the window blinds on her beautiful brown hair and her pale white face as we awoke each morning. "Good morning beautiful." And I smile.

However, in a reverse tender mercy of the Lord, I never hear KNJ-P's last song. It is one last way that I don't have to be reminded of her. Instead of giving us a last song that I would hear for the rest of my life, the Lord blessed us with a broken antenna and a cassette tape from a band that never got the popularity they deserved. And for that - I am so grateful. Garth may be thankful for unanswered prayers, but I am thankful for reverse mercies - the ones where I don't have to relive that day ever again. The ones where certain songs go unsung or unplayed.

Sending in others - for their experience

There is a story told of a man who was commanded by God to go push up against a mountain. So the man did just that. Each day he would wake up and go push on the mountain. After a few weeks, Lucifer came to cause stress. He taunted the man by saying "You have failed. You haven't moved the mountain one bit. God must be disappointed in you. Couldn't you have been a better servant." And on and on Satan said. Eventually the man started listening. He stopped pushing against the mountain and he prayed to God saying he was sorry for failing. God replied by saying "Who said anything about moving it.I am God. If I wanted it moved, I can do that myself. I told you to push against it. In a few days your father-in-law will get sick and he will need someone to take over the farm. A few weeks ago you wouldn't have the strength to tend the farm, but look at you now: You are strong and able."

While in Liberty Jail, Joseph Smith prayed and asked the Lord about the hardships he was enduring. The Lord responds in section 122 of the Doctrine and Covenants "...know thou, my son, that all of these things shall give thee experience and shall be for thy good."

I have been pondering experience lately. Keeping with my new rule that I can't buy any more books until I have read what is on my shelf (which sucks because I really want this book), I have been reading a book recently about four kids and a lion. Three of the kids aligned their will with that of the talking lion. The fourth kid temporarily aligned his will with a white witch that has evil powers. However, when the fourth kid decided he wanted to go back to the lion's side, he was taken prisoner by the witch and she's going to crucify the boy. The lion knows this, but he doesn't go himself, even though "one of those paws could have been the death of [the witch]" or "one bite from his jaws would have cost two or three of [the witch's cronies] their hands." Instead he calls upon a few of the other less powerful allies to go and rescue the boy.

In "Preach my Gospel" we read a quote by Harold B Lee "Missionary work is but home teaching to those who are not members of the church, and home teaching is nothing more or less than missionary work to church members." For anyone who knows anything about Mormon Missionaries - they are far from perfect people. It would be much easier for Jesus Christ to come down and show Himself than it is to get imperfect people to teach about Him. So what good is it? The good comes from experience.

After a super long introduction, my point on this post is: I wonder what times in my life have been for my experience? How many times have I been called as a home teacher because I needed the experience, and not that the family needed a home teacher. How many times have I been placed in a refiner's fire by the Master Teacher for no other purpose but to give me experience. I wonder how many times the Lord could have come down and done the job Himself, but instead He sent me so that I could gain experience. Cindy's Mom made a similar statement in her post from a little while ago. Sometimes - we need these experiences. Both the good and the bad. We, as imperfects need these bad experiences to help shape us for the better.

Today I received another letter from my Melinda. (She didn't send me any leaves, but I bet she still loves me). She talks about how much she can't stand her current companion. In her first area she got along better with her companion but they were in a bit of a drought when it came to finding people wanting to hear their message of peace. Now she is in an area with much success and work, but is with this sister she can't stand. In recent weeks we have been discussing how much we wonder what these experiences will be for in the future? I have little doubt that, like me, she is experiencing a refiner's fire for her good. I hope she is better than me at standing the flame.

Knee Mail

I practically live with this one family. I do all of my gardening there. I raise my rabbits there. I fix my truck there. Oh, and I eat there a lot.Being there so often I can confirm that the oldest married daughter and the mom talk every day. Even though said daughter lives in Utah, it is fairly common to hear from her at least twice a day. Sometimes she calls the house and I even get to talk to her.

Please contrast this with my dad. I can go weeks and months without talking to him. I call him occasionally and he calls me (usually when I have mail to be picked up or if he got tickets to go see the A's lose and would like me to come along.) He once said he need a score card to help him in knowing who I was interested in or dating. I don't date all that much, but my interests vary and if he doesn't hear from me every two weeks, I could have been interested in one girl two weeks ago and now we're not talking. (This happened in September. I was going on dates with a girl who lived near my dad. I introduced them in the first part of September. The next time we talked about her, I had already moved on and it was only October.) In short, we just aren't big people on conversation.

Neither is My Heavenly Father and I. I know that I'm supposed to say my prayers every morning and every night. And some weeks I do. Some weeks I'm really good about kneeling down besides my bed and praying every morning and then returning every night and doing it all over again...but then I get bored with it. You see, I live a pretty simple life. I work, I go to school, I work some more and I go to church. I don't date a whole lot. I don't socialize all that much. I don't really have a whole lot of variety in my life. So the things I'm praying for don't change all that much. I am always grateful for the blessings of rest the night before. I'm always thankful for warm showers and breakfast. I'm grateful for the blessings others enjoy and I pray that God will bless my family, my friends and specifically Nina, Melinda, KNJ & Adam, John, Mahon & Cindy, and Katie F. I recently added Audra, but beyond that - my prayers sound almost exactly like that every day. Just like in Million Dollar Baby, I get to a point where my prayers are "Well do your best lord, other than that, you know what I want, there's no use repeating myself." And that's about the time I stop.

I think impart this comes from the lessons of my father and just the way I look at life. My father is really the type of guy to follow after the counsel of Joseph Smith: "Teach them correct principles and let the govern themselves." My father raised us the best way he knew and now he lets us make our own choices. He hopes that we make good choices, but he's not going to be there to hold our hand through the whole process. We can always come to him if we get stuck or need a little more help. I think that's the same way prayer with my Heavenly Father is. I know what's right (Listening to the prophet helps), and I'll keep plugging along until I get stuck or I need additional help.

I know many that think there is something fundamentally wrong with that perspective, but I just don't see any reason to change it.

the need for dragons

A recent post from Cindy got me thinking about dragons and our need for dragons. I know that in the scriptures we read that there is a need for opposition in all things. We must have sorrow with happiness. We must have angry people and peacemakers. We must have Christ and Lucifer. But I'm intrigued by the concept of a dragon. In so much fairy tale literature, we see a dragon that rears up it's ugly head and is the cause of much destruction in the land before eventually a knight in shiny steel is able to ride up and slaughter the beast.

As I've pondered this, I've had two thoughts that have reoccurred. The first is the that we have dragons to remind us that little guys can beat out bigger than life problems. Dragons are our mythical version of Goliath. We are David. Dragons have a way of coming into a peaceful situation and causing chaos. Many people allow the dragon to affect them and to beat them. A lot of people don't have the courage or gumption to stand up to the dragon and beat it. Instead they flee or are destroyed. They allow the dragon this privileged. And then comes a savior. He rides in and does what no one else could do and slaughters the fire breathing beast. He is the calm that brings with himself calm. Where there isn't peace, He leaves His peace. And this reminds us to have courage to do even as he has done. We are encouraged to take on the dragons in our lives after watching someone else be victorious.

The other thought I had about why we need dragons was a way to be humbled. Dragons often come to the villages that are prospering. They come and they burn and they eat and they trample on the crops of those wealthy farmers and the farmers are left with nothing. When people are left with nothing (and are nothing like me) they often turn to God. We read in the Book of Mormon that the Lamanites were a tool to humble the people of Nephi. When the Nephites got too prosperous or too stuck on themselves, the Lamanites would suddenly show up on the out skirts of the kingdom and start destroying people's crops and lives. People would then flee to their judges and their prophets and beg for help. Those judges and prophets would then tell the people to repent and the prophet would call upon God to know what should be done next. Inspiration was given and the Lamanites were destroyed. A prophet rode up on his horse and defeated the dragon. And by listening to that knight, the residents were saved. But they first had to be humbled to be reminded that they needed a prophet. There was a saying in my old high school - we all hated the police until we actually needed one. Prophets, sometimes, feel the same way I bet. No one really listens to them until a dragon rears it's ugly head and then, at that moment, all eyes and ears are there ready to listen and obey.

I never thought I would be thankful for a dragon, but i'm grateful to the dragons that both humble me and remind me that even though the dragons in my life seem fierce, I can beat them - with the help of my Saviour.

(Dragons in the scriptures)