When I was in Cali I found closure. It was one of the weirdest feelings that I think I've ever had. I was able to see closure on the house in Central Fremont and all of the horrible things that happened there. I was able to have partial closure on Pageant. I was able to have feel the closeness of family and "real" friends. I was able to just move on past everything.
On the second to last day, I ran into KNJ at church. We had a 10-15 minute discussion. I was able to get closure even with her. Though she didn't say it...I know her well enough to know she forgives me. I finally was able to admit to my self that I forgave her. It was one of the weirdest feelings to be forgiven and to forgive.
I was able to have closure on the Sean I was when I left Cali 2 years ago and the Sean I am now. I'm way different. Not just in my mind, but in the mind of other friends and family and even my father (who is the hardest person to admit I've changed). I'm not sure in which specific ways, but I'm not that guy, I'm not the Sean from 2004. I don't know if I'm better, but different.
The sweetest reward was seeing I was happy again. Much of 2005 was spent in misery as I struggled with my demons and worked through finding out who I was. Prior to 2004, I was building my life around my mother and KNJ. In 2005 I had niether, and I had to decide...who am I? Who is Sean?
I'm not sure it's a consise answer. I still see the influences of mother and KNJ, but additionally, I see the influence of other wise people in my life. My focuss isn't just on those two. It's on taking insights from everyone, whether that's DUN & ~Gu~ or, my Appaplacian American bestfriend , or my family (It turns out they aren't just a bunch of liberal fundamentalists. They actually have a lot to share) or any one else.
The only answer to what's different is, I'm a new me.
The last time I went home was Dec 2004. I had no idea where I was going with my life. I had no direction, no goal, no clue. I was a gypsy in all aspects of the word. I was a wonderer of the most confused type. This time I knew what I was doing with my life. I knew where I was going. I had clear goals and direction. I was smiling, laughing, giggling and just having a joyous time. I kind of saw this coming when I went to Provo in March and did the same with DUN & ~Gu~.
Now I'm just trying to figure out what to do with my life. I have a small case of OCD. I used to use it to obsess over KNJ and life in Cali and everything else going on in my life. I used it to make up fantasies that involved ES and I gettin married and showing KNJ up. I have quite the imagination for creating other things to obsess over.
However in the past two weeks, I've noticed I'm not obsessing. I'm ready to fall in love again, but with no viable canidates, I'm not obsessing over that. It's really weird to not have something to obsess over.
Maybe that's another sign that I'm doing better. I don't know, but I'm not going to obsess over it.
Lessons from Fall - Summer is my favorite time and every year I feel punched in the gut when I realize it’s really going to end. But then once I reconcile myself to the chang...
2 months ago