Baking is a sign of happiness

A few weeks ago I severed a deal with one of my roommates. When I first moved in, she was unemployed and I had a 55 minute commute, so I struck a deal. I would buy the food, she would cook it and we would eat together. Since then, she has gotten a job and my commute has gotten smaller. So last week I took back over the reins of cooking. Doing this means more than me that being able to have Mexican again or to be able to have pasta (two things Kristin can't cook). More than anything, my desire to cook or to bake is a sign to me - I'm happy again.

My first semester at BYUI I often didn't eat or only cooked small dishes for myself. Half way through my second semester I was diagnosed with delayed grieving syndrome. I dropped out of school and ran away to Oregon. Once I returned to school 6 months later I was still sad. I missed my mom (who had died 18 months prior) and I missed my ex-fiance (who had left me 7 months prior). I suffered through that first semester, forcing myself to use up the meal plan my father had purchased for me, and never baking or cooking. Over time I started to feel better. I joined an activities program that helped me feel loved and included and challenged me to do good for others - and activity I love and crave. Then one day during summer 2006 I decided to start baking for people in my ward. I started making bread from a box. I would find people in my ward that were stressed or unhappy and I would make them blue berry bread or cinnamon strudel bread. Then I started getting creative and would make instant cheese cake, from a box. Or I would make no bake cookies with extra sugar. I made family recipes. I made and I baked and I cooked and I was happy.

After graduation in 2007, I started to feel less happy. I was no longer needed in ways I was needed at BYUI. I couldn't find a group of friends to belong to. I struggled with housing situations. And I stopped baking. Sure I would make a cheese cake on occasion, when someone requested it, but for the most part - I didn't bake. During the spring of 2009, I became close with my friend Shell and I started to be happy again, so I started to bake again. Mainly cheese cakes, but I did begin to experiment with those cheese cakes - going from a pie crust to a spring form pan then to creating my own crusts and creations.  However, this was short lived as summer came and Shell moved away. When she would return, something was missing in our friendship. I never really felt like I belonged in the group we hung out with, again. And I stopped baking.

In January I moved into a new house, a new ward and a new town. I'm actually in a new county. And something began to happen. I found myself being happy. I hum more. I interact with my roommates now. I actually play games with them. And it's not just the home life. I had enough happiness to have courage to find a better job; to be more social at church; to make commitments at the house. And then I started baking. And now I'm baking every week. This week alone will be cheesecake, strawberry pie (for the roommates) and raspberry pie (for work). Last week as I baked - I danced around the kitchen listening to my new iTouch and adding ingredients. I experimented with different portions and sought the collective criticism of those who tasted. And all the while I smiled. For today I'm happy. I know because I'm baking.

Snow for the soul

Today was an emotionally challenging day. For starters, it was the last Monday at my Oakley office. I know this because several people reminded me of it. By Friday I'm going to be rather tired of people telling me that it is my last ____ until I start my new job on Monday. I am keenly interested in starting the new job and having a new adventure, but by no means am I in any hurry to leave the job I have loved for so long.
Additionally, today Amy and I broke up. For a bunch of reasons - some complicated, few not - the relationship had ran its course and was done. No matter if you are the breaker or the broken, the break-up is an emotional roller coaster. This one started on Thursday night and ended this morning about 10:30. By the time lunch rolled around, I just wanted to go hide.
Tonight for dinner, I went with several friends to wish Shell a Happy Graduation. She graduates from college this Saturday (assuming she finishes writing her 50 page paper and her printer likes her enough to print it out this time). Shell and I had a strong friendship for a while but it eventually fell apart while I was dating Amy the first time. Tonight was the first time we had spoken since January.

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At 5, I found myself in Walnut Creek, at Heather Farms. I was running early for my therapy appointment, but had no where else to be so I just sat and read. A storm is supposed to hit the bay area later tonight and so as I sat, the wind picked up. On the tops of the cottontails that surround the lake are these little puffs of white seeds. When the wind blows, their mother plants set them free to float through the air to new ground. To me it is like watching snow fall. As the wind huffs and puffs, the sky fills with flurries. And I am reminded of peace.

While I was in college, I started having emotional problems every October. It turned out that there were about 50 events in my life tied to October (fiance leaving, mother being diagnosed with terminal cancer, grandpa dying, etc.). After three years of psych therapy, the Dx given was for me to not make any major decisions in the month of October, and instead wait till the first snow. So for years I have yearned for the first snow. The one that comes at the end of October or early November - the snow that says, everything is well again - that the world is at peace.

Today's snow didn't stick and instead just floated away. The bad emotional day remained, but for a brief moment - I had snow for my soul. And it felt....peaceful.

The Send Off

In case you haven't heard yet, on May 3rd I start a new job. Some how I bucked the system and managed to get a job, while already having a job. The job is essentially the same - except instead of working with children with disabilities, I'll work with adults with disabilities. The new job also comes with benefits, dental, paid holidays, dental, sick leave, dental, and payment into a retirement. Oh and did I mention dental! The position I've had for the last two years had none of that. I can now afford to get sick.
Sadly, though, in able to go to the new job, I have to leave the old one. I have many friends at my job here. I have ties to the community (I'm giving up Lumpy's and Mike's Pastry and the USA Donuts). I have irrigation "customers" out this way that I will also be leaving. It is a very mixed emotion experience, but in able for me to achieve my goals, this is something I have to do.

One of the things I do enjoy about leaving, though, is the send off. I am a good employee and am often loved by those I work with. When I quit being a crossing guard, there was an assembly where the students honored me with a plaque and a local newspaper came and wrote up an article in the newspaper. (My mother would hear people say "I heard Sean was in the paper. What was that about?" She would respond "Oh, he quit his job.") When I stopped teaching special education to move to Idaho, I was a 1:1 to a student with autism. One of our assignments was collecting attendance sheets each morning. On my last day, each classroom we went to had a small gift waiting for me and a bigger gift waiting in the office.

On Tuesday of next week and on Friday of next week, I will once again be sent off. First at the Oakley office where we are having a dessert bar. Then in the Antioch office where...well I'm not totally sure what we are doing. As much as I know I will miss all of these people, I am so grateful for this last opportuity to say good bye.

A photo a day day

Some days I miss doing a daily photo. Today would have been a great day. For almost a year now, my stomach and throat have been having spasms when I eat bread, meats or if I eat rice too fast. I keep forgetting to see a doctor about it. Well today at work, the problem took an unfortunate turn. Evidently my esophagus has a shrinking problem when it comes to certain foods. Today it shrunk around a piece of chicken and blocked the passage. Nothing went down, including my saliva. I kept vomiting my saliva. So I was rushed to the ER. I first got a medicine to relax my esophagus, but that only lessened the problem. Eventually I got to go to surgery. I was sedated and had a camera shoved down my throat and had the piece of food removed. Then I woke up and was told I was on a 72 hour liquid diet.

And of course all I can think about is how cool a photo a day shot this would have made.

I want to fly

In December I saw Avatar and it had a guy who jumps on the back of a bird and flies around. This past weekend, Amy and I saw "How to train your Dragon." During the movie, a boy (with his girlfriend later on) mounts on the shoulders of a dragon. In both instances I watched in envy. I have been able to defy gravity several times. I've stripped down to my underwear and had a TSA agent approve me to board a huge metal tunnel and fly. But that flying isn't the same as the joy I watched those little cartoon faces. As I watched, I felt a need to fly. The closest feeling I can think of is riding roller coasters. But even that is attached to a track. I wonder how it would feel to just fly. I think I would love that feeling.

(Both movies also had a person or two a with a disability. Thanks be to the movie world for realizing that these are real people and can do more than they were previously given credit for.)

Pondering upon girlfriends past

Last Monday, Amy came over to the house to pick up some work related items from Dave. While there she gave me a hug. It wasn't a quick hug but one of those hugs that tells you "I will hug you for as long as you need this hug. I am your friend, I love you and I want you to feel loved and comforted." I did linger in my hug, because on that day, I could have used a hug.

After Amy left, I got to thinking about the qualities of girlfriends past. Five girlfriends come to mind (Disclaimer 1): Amy, Nina, Melinda, B'Shaun and KNJ-P. For various reasons, I miss a piece of each one of these girls.

Amy was always free with her affection. I have met girls that only give affection when they want it, but not Amy. If I wanted a hug or a kiss, she was glad to oblige, with no alternative motive. Additionally she used to hold me. I know it is the strong guy that is supposed to hold the girl as she is comforted through her life, but sometimes I just want to be held. She would curl up with me and wrap her arms around me and make me feel safe. Because of past experiences, I have a real hard time feeling safe, but with her, I was safe.
Anoter great aspect about Amy is her ability to see the world through a much simpler way. She enjoys the simple things in life and doesn't require a lot of complication to be happy or satisfied. Since dating her,I tend to look morefor the positive in people, seek out happy moments and enjoy more of the sun on my face than curse it.

Nina has several redeeming qualities. To start out with, she is super smart. She studies hard and knows her material well. I can ask her a slew of questons and she often knows the answer and is able to teach it to me. Another great quality of Nina is her ability to call me on my crap. I make a lot of excuses for myself and Nina has the ability to call me onmy excuses and get me to admit I'm putting out a line of bull. In other words, she knocks down my pride and humbles me. No matter how smart other people think I am, she is able to point out to me the things I'm really smart about and the things I'm just making up as I go along. Furthermore, she inspires me to go and learn more about the things I know crap about because I hate being called out on it. Lastly, Nina has taught me to love animals more. As I learn to love animals more, especially dogs, I find myself becoming more social. Just last weekend, I went hiking at a place that had maybe 60 dogs scattered through out the park. I got to meet several owners and talk to them about the park, their dogs, and other topics.

Melinda gave me a greater appreciation for the outdoors. While she still can't convince me that camping is "fun," I love going out hiking and seeing new things in nature. When we were dating in Rexburg, we went out almost every night on a walk. I learned the streets of Rexburg well and had some great adventures that I still refer to today. I learned about plants and nature and national parks and all sorts of things. In addition to the walks, Melinda gave me the gift of learning about the world I live in. Both of us actively read the National Geographic magazine and discuss the contents. Though I loved learning before, Melinda really helped me focus my learning. Melinda's enthusiasm for the National Parks System helps fuel my enthusiasm for the Parks system and my desire to wander through it. In addition to nature, Melinda keeps my passions alive in helping people with disabilities. Part of her extra ciricular activities at BYUI is to keep Adaptive Activities alive and well. Just this past weekend Melinda helped host a Goalball event. Melinda is not blind or in a wheelchair, but her continued desire to help those that are and teach those that aren't reminds me of my desire to do the same.

B'Sean has an enthusiasm for life like nothing else. This girl is excited For pretty much anything. She can go up to complete strangers and talk to them like they were in the war together. I'm a bit anti-social, but B'Sean taught me to be a little more open. She helped me figure out that I'm anti-social to groups, but that small groups or one on one is fine for me. She got me to try new things and be willing to leave my comfort zones. B'Sean is always a good ear as well. She (and the three previously mentioned) is more than willing to sit there and listen during those times when I just need someone to hear me.

KNJ-P had the ability to instill self confidence and the ability to do the one thing no one else has been able to do: teach me about me. Sure she was able to do a lot more and taught me to hold myself to a higher standard, but the one thing I always think about when it comes to her was her ability to teach me about meShe had this strange ability to look into me and interpet my actions, my words, and my past in a way that brought sanity to me. I have never felt as safe or as understood by someone as much as she did and then taught me to do. Because of her, I believed I could do so much. I took on a lot of fears head on because she told me I could handle it and then was to help support me when I faltered (it turned out she was often right too. I could handle those fears.). Another great redeeming quality was her loyalty. When my mom was diagnosed with cancer, I very plainly told KNJ that we should break up. She calmy told me that she loves me and that she will be with me through good and bad. And until it became very clear 18 months later that our relationship had run its course, KNJ stuck to that. She was firecly loyal to me and to our relationship. The last thing I really liked about KNJ was that she was constantly thinking and constantly planning. She probably had ten projects going on in her head at a time. One time I heart attacked her room (took construction paper,cut it up into heart shapes, tossed them around her room and on her bed.). She thought it was cute, said thank you, and I thought that was it. Two months later, she got a friend and not only heart attacked my room but put 15 different oragamy figurines through out my room with little quotes attatched to them. She was planning it the whole time, while also carrying a full load of classes and designing a 20 foot Chineese dragon puppet. Little things like that continued through our relationship as she was constantly thinking about other things to add to our relationship. It was creatively nice.

As I ponder about these past girlfriends, I'm reminded that I trully am blessed. I'm still close friends with four of them. And I have these great gifts that I have been given from dating these wonderful women. I love animals, people, nature and life. I've learned about the world I live in, new activities and about myself. 4.5 (disclaimer #2) of these women tell me that they too were given a lot through our dating and that they were blessed because of the experience and enjoy being near me.

As I look though the girls on Plentyoffish.com (rant #1), I am sadly disapointed because of the standard these previous women have given.

Disclaimer 1: Melinda and B'Shaun have never been an offical "Girlfriend of Sean" but both have been dated more times than some ex-girlfriends I have had.

Disclaimer 2: KNJ-P and I have a civil relationship now. The other four women get along fine with me. KNJ-P has said in the past that dating me was a great experience but she has no desire to be close now. I'm okay with that.

Rant 1: Okay, I realize that, to most people, getting a little buzzed sounds fun, but come on. Seriously is there that few number of people who don't smoke and don't drink alcohol that they just don't show up on online dating sites?

When Social Networking becomes Social Narcissim

On Sunday I made a deal with a friend: We are both giving up Facebook for the week. So, since Sunday I have not seen the familiar blue background and nor have I been reading up and keeping up on the lives of about 300 friends. I have been coming home, checking my e-mail and watching tv or doing homework.


After just three days I find myself struggling. I'm not struggling with not knowing what's going on in other people's lives. I'm not struggling not being able to comment on the mundane in the world. I don't miss clicking the "like" button. However there is one thing I really do miss: Updating others on my status.


I use my status update both as a way to try to be creative and also a way to gather comments from friends - usually in a jealous way. Tuesday it was 70 degrees and so I bought a chocolate shake. As I was sucking it, I was really tempted to log onto Facebook and announce it. Monday night when we were moving the "new" fridge into the house, both Dave and I missed a step. He had the whole fridge fall on his leg, while I only had a corner of it fall on my knee (which still hurts today).

In addition to get sympathy or create jealousy, I use it as a way to create quick creative posts. A few weeks ago, it was "Trap set, cage built, now all I need is a purple person and I'll be able to catch my very own one eyed one horned flying purple people eater." Another week it was "Three steps to becoming a hero: 1. Live in the west. 2. Work in the east. 3. Drive off into the sunset every day. Bonus if you can tilt your hat to all of the women and children." After a week of lacking sleep and early mornings I wrote that I was "still a little punchy and feeling like taking over a small country or an ant hill."

Other days, I use my status as a way to make declarative statements. "Sean knows it is going to be a good day when it starts with Oingo Boingo." "Sean feels happy and safe here [in Vallejo]. "The radio Gods have been nice to Sean giving him Queen three times this week."

However, all of these status updates are just the beginning. What I really miss is the response. There is something cool about logging into Facebook and seeing that 4 people liked your status and 3-4 people commented on your status. It helps reinforce a personal feeling that at times - I'm awesome. No where else in life do you get that (I used to get a lot of that with the Photo A Day blog, but that died off over time which helped lead to my boredom with that project). No where else does it happen regularily that you type something that is less than 200 characters or you publish a picture or you post a link - that people decide they like it and think is cool. And that is sadly what I have been missing most this week. I got a little bit of praise this week (My friend Jill keeps telling me what a hard worker I am because of the amount of work I do at home after I get home from work) - but one voice isn't enough. Social Networking has turned me into a social narcisist and a whore for praise.

Service is rarely fit to your schedule

It's 12:01 in the morning and I am no where near the bed that was beckoning me just 60 minutes prior. I am instead sitting in an ER waiting room, laptop open and fingers typing. Service never seems to come calling at 10 in the morning after a good night's rest.

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On Sunday, during a testimony meeting, a friend got up and talked about learning to let himself go. He talked about the importance of that scripture "Whosoever will save his life shall lose it; and whosoever will lose his life for My Sake shall find it." and the other "When you are in the service of your fellow being you are only in the service of your God." My friend was talking about giving service to me.

I live at a house that was a foreclosure and bought as an investment. The owner of the house then got transferred out to Indiana. In able to keep renters in the house, the owner is charging a very low rate, but with that low rate comes the responsibility of taking care of the house. A shed in the back yard had started to lean and was in danger of taking out the back fence if the shed leaned any more. So I sent out a desperate plea for help with the shed on Facebook. There were many conflicts for the time I chose. One big conflict for my friend was a desire to see a girl he is courting. He had commitments in the afternoon that he couldn't get out of so it was a very simple choice of seeing her or helping tearing down the shed. He read that scripture earlier in the week and felt impressed to come to my place.

My friend testified on Sunday about the joy and peace that entered him as he worked on the shed. Some things that had been frustrating him disappeared as the shed took on his anxious energy. His mind cleared as he focused on the shed and its ultimate demise.

As he left he was invigorated and felt energized. He was better at ease and was asking if there was more work to be done. His afternoon went well and he even got to see that cute girl.

The core of his testimony was how he went to provide service for me and yet when he left - he felt the service had been done to him. For the most part - I think that is how service works. I've never walked away from a service activity that I said to myself "Gosh that was a waste."

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In a few minutes I will post this and start reading a new book I got in the mail today. Just in the nick of time, a book a friend recommended arrived today in the mail. A service by a friend to keep me entertained while I provide service to a friend. What a nice circle.

making it through the storm

As I sat in my office the last 2 hours of the day, it was unavoidable to hear the wind picking up the pace outside. Each time the automatic door opened bigger and bigger gusts of wind were able to force there way into the building. Whether it was predicted or not, we had a cold front and a rain storm on its way.

At 3:30 I adventured out to my truck and saw on my western horizon a dark line forming in the sky. There were no individual clouds, only a thick grey cloud. I drove west, heading right for it.

As I got closer to the dark horizon, I noticed to my right the Delta already engulfed in the suffocating clouds. Around me the wind increased and knocked my light truck bed around like I was a pinata at an Oakland Athletics' batting practice. Shortly before the hill that arose in front of me, the sky began to open up, first my spitting on my windshield, but eventually it came down in sheets and decreased the visibility of the other motorists in front of me. By the time I reached the crest of the hill, little white beads started to pepper the hood of my truck. Hail is not common in California, but this little storm didn't let that deter it. My truck's hood turned from bright red to speckled white.

I pressed on.

By the time I reached the bridge, I was on the other side. The only visibility problem I faced now was the bright sun cascading down from the baby blue sky. The wet pavement reflected the shine up, filled the truck cab with warmth and a little bit of glare. As I looked back over the darkened Delta, I thought of the near ending of the Truman Show. Truman, in the midst of his own storm, shouts up at the sky and screams "Is that the best you can do?" I too felt that way as a smile settled on my face and I thought about the other storms in my life. They might seem dark and able to toss me around. But waiting on just the other side is sunshine and an attitude of "Is that the best you can do? Because that trial - that storm - wasn't nearly enough to knock me off course.

Being an Eagle Scout

On Sunday night I returned to my homeland to watch a young man I have known for the last 14 years accomplish something not a lot of men are able to do. My friend got his Eagle Scout. He and I share something in common - we both made it to the ripe old age of 16, got a vehicle, met girls and sort of forgot about going to Eagle. Both of us, as time drew closer to age 18, felt impressed to revisit the goal and to achieve it. (My friend finished his 3 weeks prior to his 18th birthday. I finished mine 3 HOURS prior to my 18th Birthday.)

Since being awarded my Eagle, I have only seen it used once in my life directly - and that was for a job interview at a grocery store in Idaho (Literally three questions in the Interview: Are you really an Eagle Scout? Can you start at 6 AM? When can you start?). For the most part, I have worked for women owned or women ran companies. On more than one occasion I have had to explain what an Eagle Scout Rank is and what it took to obtain it. Often people don't care.

So it might seem, at times that what I did, 14 years ago, was a waste. It was something that has little meaning if those who you show it to have no understanding what it is. (almost like when one of my roommates shows me how he beat this certain hard level at his video game. I don't play video games so the concept is lost on me).

It would seem like it was a waste - that is until you start listening to the Scout Oath and Scout Law and think about what Boy Scouts gave me. One of the comments several current and past employers have said is that I tend to over think the job. I tend to look at different potential problems from all angles and so when a problem occurs, I usually have a solution for it. Sometimes I have more than one. I think comes from many trips with young men who don't plan ahead. As much as I hate camping - I think camping is vital to learning how to function in the world. No where else can you really learn to plan ahead. If you go camping and there is a chance of rain and you don't bring your rain jacket - you learn rather quickly that you just can't run inside and get it. If you are out hiking and someone trips and gets bruised up - you figure out that the only bandages you have are the ones with you and that you can't call 911 to rescue you or look up on google how to survive.
I look at the fact that at work I am often given assignments and I complete them quickly and efficiently. One way I was taught this as a boy was by having merit badge requirements. Merit badges teach a skill and have requirements for practicing and reviewing that skill. A boy must present a goal, go do the goal and return and report to their merit badge counselor. This is much like getting an assignment at work, figuring out how you are going to do it, doing it, and then returning to your boss.
In each troop and patrol, a boy is given a job or an assignment. This chore or assignment is usually something that is beneficial to everyone in the group. (like who is bringing treats each week) By having a little assignment and completing it, a boy learns to be responsible and to be accountable for their actions. One thing that people often say is that they can count on me. If I say I'm going to do something - I do it. By being a boy scout - the boy learns to accept assignments and fulfill them. As he fulfills assignments, people begin to rely on him and trust him.

So in summary - I don't know if the actual award has done me any good, but the way I was shaped and molded as I reached toward that rank has greatly benefited me in life as I think it does every boy that succeeds at scouting.

When you think in pictures - some images never leave you

Tonight in class my professor mentioned he felt there might be a disturbance in the force. He felt that way on Tuesday but tonight he really noticed that I was down. He is right. This week has been rough.

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On Monday night I was having a conversation with a friend about being a worthy priesthood holder and how me not being one was a unattractive quality of me. Her comments triggered my mind to remember why I am I am an unworthy priesthood holder.

My mind almost always goes to a day in August, during my 13th year. I woke in the morning to find my mother on the floor in the kitchen, a pool of blood soaking into her clothes and mixing with a scattering of vomit. Because I have and always will be a photographer, my mind has in it an abundant still shots from that morning. During weeks like this, my mind puts those slides into a Kodak Carousel and the images get projected before my eyes. I see each aspect of the scene like it was happening before me. My mind spares no detail.
Later that day I would read a letter that was written just for me, a letter that proclaimed love and released me from blame. I still remember parts of that letter and parts of the other two that I would read in the next six years of my life. Even later that day, a man would come to our house with a sheriff and inform us that it was no longer our house. A few weeks later my family would move to a new house - the house I would live in until I moved to Idaho - and life would never be the same again.
However, the letter, the man and the new home have little bearing on my life on weeks like this. When I am reminded of my lack of worthy priesthood power, I am reminded of that warm August morning and the blood and the vomit and my mother lying on the kitchen floor, wrists with fresh wounds that would forever be a scar and a constant reminder of that day.

I have found very few ways to escape those images. They follow me in my sleep, the quiet moments of my day and in drive time when the background noise of the radio becomes a low hum. Even as I type this, I break for a moment, close my eyes and there in my mind are contrasting colors of deep dark red blood clashing on the white floor and mixing with the half digested Tylenol tablets. My mind is always open and willing to flip on the projector one more time for a private screening.

My only escape for several years has been an activity that uses endorphins to dim the light on the projector. This activity is considered a sin in the Mormon church and therefore is the reason I am an unworthy priesthood holder. I have tried life without it, only to find myself seeking out more self destructive activities with more lasting results. Without this activity, I slip into a state of undenialble depression. One friend once told me I was too smart for suicide, but on the months where I try hard to not do this unpriesthood like activity, my mind reaches for solutions like that (though not nearly as drastic) to ease the pain and reduce the constant replay of the slide show.

My constant companion is a day in August nearly two decades ago. When dear friends point out that my unworthy state is unattractive, I am reminded in greater detail of that day and am reminded that that one unattractive quality is more attractive than the alternative of brightly beaming the images of my childhood and a day in august when I was 13. I would rather be happy and slightly unworthy than in a constant state of detailed instant replay. At least as an unattractive priesthood holder, most people don't see sorrow in my face and sense a disturbance in my force.

"Sean Read, Sean Do" or "Can I lent you some Coke?"

Wednesday was Ash Wednesday. It is the starting day for Lent. Now, I'm not Catholic, but I like the idea of giving up something for 40 days as a sacrafice for your God and for yourself. Especially if that something is bad for you - like Coke. I LOVE Coke. I love the taste. I love the texture. I love the feel of the carbonation and caffine surging through my body. But as a person with a hiatel hernia and as a person with a rather large belly, Coke isn't all that rewarding for the body in the long run.

So as Cindy gives up Sugar (an impossible task for me) for her Lent offering, I am going to give up Soda - all of it. I do have one exception, though. If we have a natural disaster (hurricane, tornado, earthquake, blizzard, typhoon, tsunamia, flood, Republican control of the Senate, etc.), then I'm dipping into my food storage which has in it - Coke Classic.

the trouble with eating a meatball sandwich

I had a gift certificate to Lumpy's that I was saving for today. Today's special is the Meatball Sandwich. This sandwich is tied for first as my favorite thing to get at Lumpy's (it's tied with the Meatloaf) (Second would be the Garlic Caesar Salad Sandwich, third the Bacon Cheeseburger Sandwich with fourth rounded out by Lumpy Stub). The Meatball Sandwich has a foundation on of a hogie roll, with two, three or four meatballs thrown on followed by a healthy helping of spaghetti noodles that are covered in sauce and smothered in cheese. When it arrives I am always in a quandary of how to proceed to maximize the parts of the meal. Before I get to the heart of this post, let me start out by saying that I eat meals in departmentalized way. For instance, if I'm at McDonald's, I eat my sandwich first then my fries. At Olive Garden, I eat my salad and soup then my main course - I do not keep the salad or soup on the table because I'm done with it. After the main course I eat my bread sticks and use them to clean the plate.

Do you see where I'm going with this? Let me further explain that for the most part, Lumpy's allows me to do exactly this. When I get the meatloaf, with each slice of my fork or knife, I can take in the bread, meat and gravy. Then I can go after the mash potatoes. With the Bacon Cheeseburger, I can take in a mouthful and chomp and chew from every member of the sandwich at one time.

However, the meatball sandwich presents a problem. With one slice of the knife or one mouth full of the sandwich - you could be not getting all of that the sandwich has to offer. The meatball ratio compared to the rest of the sandwich is drastically different. You can go several bites without getting any morsel of meatball. It's almost like you are eating two different sandwiches. One is a spaghetti sandwich and one is a meatball spaghetti sandwich. Two sandwiches at once is not very compartmentalized.

I have been searching my brain for solutions. I can only come up with three:
1. smash the meatballs up into little pieces and scatter them around the plate hoping to cover the whole sandwich.
2. pull the meatballs out and have them after the rest of the sandwich - sort of like a dessert of rolled beef.
3. Stop ordering the meatball sandwich.

Do you have any additional insights?

I'm not the only one

Last year about this time I wrote that Santa was bad for children. His growing obesity was a cause for concern and that it sat a bad example for our youth. Evidently, I'm not the only one that feels that way. Recently a Australian scientist wrote a satirical piece about Santa's bad image. However, this scientist was much better at writing his piece and therefore has gotten a lot of press. I find two things rather interesting about this. 1. He thought up some things that I didn't. I really like some of his add ins (such as drunk driving Santa). 2. I like how the media has latched on to this and some are questioning our use of Santa as a "hero" to our children.

Recently Target has been running a series of commercials that deal with Santa. My favorite has got to be this one that bad mouths Santa's Elves.

It's no secret that I'm anti Santa (It is so hard gaining the trust of children that it bothers me that I have to lie to children daily this time of the year. I'd rather be honest with kids than lie to them over trivial things like Santa). It is nice to have company who are now getting their digs in on santa as well.

The Planner, The Girlfriend and The Miracle of Service

I am a planner.

I have always been very good at seeing a project or a problem, organizing a plan and executing it to work through the project and the plan. I have had several tech directors in several theatres that have kept me around not because of my lighting or sound skills but my way of seeing the project or event from the beginning, middle and end, and then creating a plan that would work well for that. One time, at church, I was given (and set apart) for the Activities Committee. My specific calling was Activities Think and Plan Committee Member. I was to think up ideas for activities, plan them and then give them to someone else to carry out.

Another thing I have always planned well are dates. If right now someone was to wander up to me and ask me for a date idea for tonight, I could plan one of 20 dates that ranged in price from FREE to rather expensive. This is really great for everyone but those that are dating me. The person dating me gets to experience a lot of the things I like to do and gets to pretty much not have to worry about the coming date beyond showing up and looking beautiful (which shouldn't be too hard because I don't date ugly people). However, if our relationship is going to grow, dates can't just come from me. I need to learn what my date wants to do - what brings her excitement and gets her going. The only way for that to happen is by having her plan dates.

Amy is not a planner.

She has loved having me to just plan and go.

For our two month Anni I asked her to plan a date for that Saturday. She was rater annoyed at me. How was she to know what to plan that would interest me. What would keep my interest and not make me run screaming from her yelling "Really? You want me to go with you to do THAT? Do you hate me?" Amy tried desperately to find something to do but plans kept falling through (We were supposed to go to the Robert Luis Stevenson Museum but they were closed that weekend. We were supposed to go for a hike but it was supposed to rain. Etc). Then on Thursday Evening I got a call. Harold needed me to come in on that Saturday and build a set. So, to the relief of Amy, I had a plan for Saturday and Amy was off the hook. We did Service instead.

I told Amy that she could plan a date for December 12th. That gave her 3 weeks to plan something. She started working on it. Since then, Amy's Grandma fell and broke her leg. Later this week, Grandma gets released from the hospital and will be in a wheelchair at home. Now, on December 12th, Amy is saved again. On that day, Amy and I are building a ramp for Grandma to get in and out of the house. This means that Amy gets out of planning a date until December 31.

My first thought for Amy is to tell her to plan a service project - that seems to be how her dates end up going.

The awkward month known as November (and a little bit of December)

First, the players:
Sean - me
Amy - Sean't current girlfriend
Nina - Sean's ex-girlfriend who he dated from July 2007 - December 2007, now Sean's best friend
KNJ-P - Sean's ex-girlfriend/ex-fiance (no ring, no proposal, but there was a date set and reception and honeymoon plans being made)
Tina - Sean's former freinds with benefits from Decmber 2007 - February 2008
Melinda - Sean's close personal friend who has been away on a mission for the past 17 1/2 months. Wants to marry Sean. Returns home December 15.
Jenny - Sean's ex-girlfriend who plays for a rival Power wheelchair soccer team.
NAN - Sean's Dad's girlfriend who Sean hasn't spent more than an hour with at a time
Dad - Sean's Dad for neary 31 years

I used to have a rule that I purposely dated women in different towns so that when we broke up, I didn't have to worry about running into them again. That plan worked rather well for several years until I joined the ranks of the Oakland Temple Hill Technical staff. Now, I can break up with a girl, and still run across her on The Hill or at Crew related events. Running across ex's can be a little awkward at times.

For example, a few weeks ago, I took Amy to a congregation in Pleasant Hill to see a friend's, and fellow crew member's, missionary farewell speach. While there we ran into Tina. It was rather awkward as I tried to pay attention to Amy yet Tina and I tried to catch up on where our lives had gone in the last year or so.

Another example could be last Saturday. Amy and I went up to Temple Hill to help build a set for a coming Christmas program. After about 4 hours there KNJ-P showed up. Even though several people in the upper crew management knew she was coming - no one had told me. I went through 2 years of therapy over this girl. So I was quite shocked over this girl's attendance. We haven't spoken face to face in 5 years. It was a very tramatic experience as at one time I tried to stay close to Amy and yet was kind of curious about the last 5 years or so. One of the things that always interested me about KNJ-P was her ability to teach me things. On Saturday she taught me a few painting and theatre techniques that I had never learned before. It was interesting, while at the same time a horrifying experience. I have long held the belief that my life is a failure because of not being able to marry this girl. She is now married and 4 months along with her first child. She's living the dream I had for us, but without me. As i spent Saturday comparing our lives and where the two of us had ended up, Amy would later say she felt like she was losing me. It was a very awkward situation for Amy and I and for our relationship. I doubt KNJ-P even caught wind of it.

Tomorrow, my best friend Nina flies into to CA. Nina is 4 weeks into a new relationship with a boy in Oregon and Today marks my 2 month anniversary with Amy. Nina's trp was planned prior to either of those events happening. To say that all four of us are a little worried about this weekend would be an understatement. Amy has had to explain to her family that I would not be joining them for the Holiday because I was goingto be with my ex-girlfriend. Nina has had to explain to her new boyfriend that she can't spend Turkey Day with him due to her being in another state. There is a lot of confussion and concern and some awkward feelings.

To add to that already awkward situation, Nina and I will be spending the holiday with my Dad and his girlfriend NAN. Nina has never met either of these people. She has communicated with my father through e-mail but that is it. NAN and Dad are both computer people. Nina and I are both "work with people with issues" people.

After Nina heads home (maybe or maybe not meeting Amy), I will take Amy on another adventure into ex-girlfriend land. On Saturday December 5, Amy and I are going to go volunteer at a Power Wheelchair Soccer tournament and provide service (I'm reffing, Amy's keeping score). At that tournament will be Jenny, my ex-girlfriend from last year. We dated for several months and were official for a little less than 24 hours. She's still pretty bitter about the 24 hour relationship. She will have to interact with both Amy and I. I'm willing to bet that will be rather awkward as well.

Lastly, on December 15th, Melinda comes home from her mission. Because of the depression I have been going through, I haven't been able to write to her for several months (when you write missionaries you are supposed to sound uplifting. Being depressed and having self destructive tendencies - not all that uplifting). She knows nothing about Amy. (I hope to get a letter off this week to her updating her on my life.) But even if she does find out about Amy - I doubt that will change the strong friendship we share. It will however effect Melinda's plans to have my last name by mid next year. I'm pretty sure December 16 is going to be an awkward conversation day.

But after what I've experienced so far...it will just be par for the the course. 6 weeks of rather awkward situations.

Conducting a Poll

Hi. I am conducting a poll --------->

As the new meds take effect, I'm finding my head clearing a little and am now seeing that I could probably handle grad school (as long as I remain on this medication). My problem is deciding on a grad school option.

Rehabilitation Counseling: Helping people work through their new or life long disabilities. Most Rehab Counselors work in Education or for the Government. Those in education help counsel students with disabilities with education goals and assist in making accommodations for students in the classroom (some of this involves the use of assitive communication devices such as a Dynavox. Some of this involves allowing students to turn in assignments from their CF hospital room instead of in class). Working for the government is more vocational based. A rehab counselor would, for example, help a returning soldier who is missing a member of it's body to assess their skills and see what occupations would work with the skill sets that soldier had acquired prior to the amputation or brain injury.

Social Worker: This is a rather broad field. Drug and alcohol counseling, vocational training, case managing, clinical psychology, juvenile therapy, Child Protective Services, Adoption, Public Policy, treating for PTSD, and the list goes on.

Occupational Therapy: Helping children, the elderly and returning veterans with their fine motor skills used for activities for daily living: tying shoes, buttoning shirts or pants, grasping a pencil, typing at a computer, picking your nose, grasping items, brushing teeth, operating a car, taking a picture, underwater basket weaving, using a cell phone, and the list goes on and on.
The big negative of OT is the requirement to take classes in Anatomy/Physiology and chemistry - classes I've never excelled at.

For those of you that don't know - My history:

2007 - Present: I work as a Therapy Aide helping children with disabilities to receive Occupational and Physical Therapy. I also manage the office and do data entry for our "billing."
2007 - 2008: Assistant Coach to a Power Wheelchair Soccer Team (I also did some refereeing)
2006 - 2007: Disability Advocate - I worked as a liaison between students with disabilities and administration to ensure proper parking and ramps were available during construction projects
2005 - 2007: Student Director of Adaptive Activities - I started and ran the wheelchair Basketball program and expanded the adaptive cycling and bowling programs. I also created several websites and created policies (that are still used today).
2002 - 2004: Special Education Assistant: I taught students who were severely emotionally disturbed for 6 months. I spent 10 months being a 1:1 to a boy with Asperger Syndrome and I spent 8 months being a 1:1 to a boy with autism
2000 - 2002: Crossing Guard - I stood out in the street and asked drivers to try to hit me instead of the kids.
1999 and summer of 2001: Special Education Assistant - Once again I was a 1:1 with Autism and a boy with severe Cerebral Palsy
1997 - 1999: Market Research Interviewer: Would you like to take a survey?
1997 - 1998: Assistant Teacher to a rehabilitation counselor who was also the Adaptive PE teacher for a Junior College. I worked 1:1 in a gym and a pool with an elderly man who had had a stroke. I also worked in the office
1995 - 1997: Teachers Assistant: Learning Disability class where I tutored students.

Knowing all this - please vote (or you can vote and comment if you'd like)

Thinking outloud

In the course of any given week there are a million things that float through my head. A lot of it just comes and goes and so I don't worry too much about it. As this week concludes, though, there are about 5 things still floating through my head.

1. In Pirates of the Caribbean (the first and best one), was Elizabeth Swan immortal from the time she met Will Turner on the crossing from England up until the time the gold medallion is taken from her? According to the rules that were established in the movie - those that posses the stolen Aztec gold are incapable of dying.
1B. How did Boostrap die if he was also immortal (being a member of the original crew)?

2. I wonder if it is possible to have more filtered stories of heroic acts. Firefighters, police officers, and soldiers doing heroic things - with a filter that didn't dive into their personal lives. One of the things that annoys me about professional sports and dramatic TV (i.e. Rescue Me or ER or Third Watch) is that we know so much about the players and performers. (Plus, of course there is so little heroism showed in modern day sports.). I would just like to read and see often in the news or on TV the heroic acts of those we walk the streets with.

3. The Bible Dictionary states: "Prayer is the act by which the will of the Father and the will of the child are brought into correspondence with each other. The object of prayer is not to change the will of God, but to secure for ourselves and others blessings that God is already willing to grant, but are made conditional on us asking for them. Blessings require some work or effort on our part before we can obtain them."
On the one hand I look to God as being the great Santa. For several months i write letters to Santa asking for the new Star Wars Lego set. I tell him every time I see him at the mall (I even yell it from the second story out side Macy's "Hey Santa! It's Sean - we talked last week! Just wanted to remind you that I wanted the Millennium Falcon!")
However, come Christmas Morning I would get socks. Come January I would need the new warmer socks so I could play outside. His blessings were there despite my pleadings.
On the other hand I struggle with the point of prayer. If my will will never be granted and it is only His will that will be granted on his timeline - what is the point of me pleading with the Lord. If all I'm ever going to ask for is the things He won't give me and He won't give me things that I don't ask for - then really I'm never going to get out of this hole. The best way I can think of this is that He has Coke sitting there waiting for me - but if the only things I ever ask for is Pepsi, Rootbeer, Sprite or water - nothing will happen. He won't bless me with Coke because I didn't ask for it. He won't bless me with the others because that is not His will. And if it never occurs to me to ask for Coke we will never have a meeting of wills. Then what is the point to prayer but to guess what His will is?

4. What do you do with friends that aren't accepting to change? After 3 years of being apart from John, I returned to discover I had changed a lot, and so had he. We were different people - but we tried to keep the friendship going despite some glaring differences. One day while we were out grocery shopping I suggested Savemart and he was shocked. "I thought you said you would never shop there again." I asked when I said that. "5 years ago." was the response. I tried to relate that in that amount of time I have learned what is good and can get from Savemart. However, that experience has stood as an example of how people can change over time.
The reason this particular question has been in my head is because I'm in similar situation. Over the past 4 months I have grown closer to a friend. While I'm not the dog for her and she isn't the owner for me, right now we are good for each other. Over the last four months, a different friend has been away on an internship. She has not been around to watch as me and this other girl have grown tighter. At a recent event I was massaging the feet of the girl I've grown tighter with. Suddenly the girl who recently returned from her internship shouted out, "I thought you didn't massage feet! You told me you didn't massage feet!" Which is true. And 6 months earlier I didn't. But on that night, with that young lady, I did.
Since that time I've been worried about my friendship with my recently returned friend. In what other ways have I changed in the last 4 months that will cause discord in our friendship? Do I try to be the person I was 4 - 6 months ago or do I expect the friend to be adaptable.
With John it became clear that 3 years was just too long. We are still friends but much less than the friends we were when we were friends prior to my departure to the Lord's University in Idaho. I'm not sure I'm ready to see my friend of 4 months ago go the same way.

5. Josh just celebrated his 5 years of Photo A Day. On March 4th (or somewhere around there - never been all that good at math) I will celebrate my 1000th picture. I wonder if that is enough. In a recent post by Cindy about violin neglect, Cindy's Mom commented that there is a time and a season for all things. I wonder if 1000 pictures is a decent season.

Personal Ministry

I was looking for something else on Cindy's blog today when I came upon this post. In it she references a talk by Bonnie D. Parkin. Bonnie D. Parkin discusses the role of Personal Ministry in our lives. (well technically she was discussing the idea in the lives of women...but I'm going to include myself for now.)

Parkin's definition is important, so I'll start there:

“The work of the ministry is to do the work of the Lord on the earth—to represent the Lord among the people . . . The chosen servants and appointed officers in the Church of Jesus Christ are put on earth by him to conduct the work necessary for the salvation of mankind.”Clearly, ministering is a holy, even sacred word. When priesthood leaders speak of personal ministry, they often refer to the ministry of our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, and the miraculous things He did in our behalf."

Furthermore she states:

"Now, let’s think for a minute about why we minister to one another. One of the reasons is because we have made covenants to do so. Alma taught us that we entered into a covenant with the Lord at the time of our baptism. We specifically committed 'to bear one another’s burdens, that they may be light . . . and . . . mourn with those that mourn . . . and comfort those that stand in need of comfort.'”

I am especially drawn to that last part as it pertains to my personal ministry. I'm a regular Jekyll and Hyde when it comes to this. An example - There is a dear friend I have that lives near me. Often when we are out driving I will ask her what she is thinking or how she feels. Some days I really do mean it and look for ways to lighten her load or comfort her if she stands in need of comfort. However, some days I'm just asking because there is nothing on the radio and I'm trying to break up the silence.

During this past week, Melinda's sister posted a blog about how their other sister is having family problems and is in need of someone to carry the burden of the children. In the past, I have been totally supportive of this sister and Melinda and I even discussed her delaying her mission to help this sister with her kids. This week, however, I was combative - suggesting the sister stop burdening her family with her kids. It wasn't my place - but I did it anyway. And I felt sorry later.

--
In case you haven't noticed - I haven't written for about 6 weeks. I haven't felt like writing but more appropriately, I haven't felt like much of anything. Several of my friends say I'm depressed. Maybe. But I think I'm more off my path. Prior to Idaho, I was in tune to either the spirit or to Karma. I knew when to ask if others needed help and I knew to act. Except for about a year of Idaho, I resembled that say pre-Idaho person. (I went on a date with a girl in 2005. She couldn't get away fast enough. In 2006, when I broke my wrist, she was one of the first in to offer help. She explained to a roommate the change "He's not the same angry Sean in 2005. This year he cares.")
Since being back from Idaho, though, I have increasingly been not caring about others. In moments of quiet reflection it saddens me. It saddens me that I'm not in a place to feel those promptings and it saddens me that I'm not willing to act even if I do feel those promptings. I'm afraid I may have put my personal ministry on vacation.

--
Cindy's blog comments on

"And suddenly, I knew exactly what it is that I need to be doing right now, at this singular time in my life - while I do not yet have the commitment of husband, family, or even boyfriend or fiancé, and therefore have more time to work on myself. The ark that I need to build is this: Discovering, and fulfilling, my personal ministry."

I too am not committed to a wife, girlfriend, fiance or family. I have some time to rediscover my personal ministry and fulfill it. I hope I can become better at comforting those that stand in need of comfort and mourning with those that mourn. I hope I can do better at not burdening those who are not in need of burdens.

no fiction

Dear Reader:

I have a 4 chapter story outlined in my head, but I can't get the paragraphs out, so there is no fiction today.

However I'd like to add some non-fiction to your life. I found out today that I got an A in Abnormal Psych. I figured out that takes my GPA from 2.77 (that I graduated BYUI with) to a 2.88. Oh, and I lost five pounds in the last three months. All true - not fiction. I'll try to upload fiction as soon as my head, my fingers and the voices inside come together.

Sincerely,

Sean