again, distraction

It's 12:15 or 12:45. The one thing that's been forgotten over time, though little else. I'm asleep on the couch when I'm shaken awake. If that was 4 hours it sure didn't feel like it. I awake to my father. "I think she is gone, but with my allergies, I can't tell." I'm summoned to perform one more feat for my mother: Declare her death. I go to her room and pull on the stethoscope. For the first time ever, I hear nothing through it as I move the chest piece around. Silence. Dead silence.

Phone calls are made. My brother is told of mom's final departure. The place where my mother's remains would go comes with a hearse at 4:30. The stretcher won't fit down the turn in the hall, so five of us must wrap her body and carry her to the stretcher. It's 5:30 by the time her body is being rushed off to some university some place to be poked and prodded and studied before being returned to us as ashes in a jar.
--

It's that time of the year again. It started earlier this year for reasons I'm only beginning now to understand. On Sunday I met with a friend in his 50s who expects to be listed in the obits later this week as the surviving son of his mother. In talking with him, my mother's coming anniversary started coming sooner. Usually I'm distracted on the 29th, the 30th, the 31st and occasionally into August 1st. This process will be repeated on August 7th. But this year - it came early.

In quiet moments at work and even in moments of a ton to do, my mind is in a house in Fremont 7 years ago. My mind is drawn to that memory, and others just like it - where I failed to save and protect my mother. Despite three years of wonderful psycho therapy, I come back to being a lonely 13 year-old boy unable to stop his mother from attempting suicide; a powerless 17 year-old unable to convince people to buy Avon on a cold met Saturday in April; a 20 year-old who needed to go on a mission despite her desire to deal with the separation by more suicide attempts; then lastly a weak 24 year-old - unable to stop the cancer or ease her pain. In the end, it was I who got to say and confirm "Mother is dead." One more time I couldn't stop her from succumbing to the ills that fought against her. One more time, I failed my mother. And I can't change it.

I try in these days to focus on the positive. With her no longer needing my feeble attempts to care for her, I have been able to go to college, graduate from BYUI, start a wheelchair sports program at BYUI, become a vital member of a power wheelchair soccer team, help hundreds of children adapt to their disabilities and assist a few hundred adults learn to over come their disabilities. But still, for this week every year my thoughts come back to this time 7 years ago and I get distracted. I was distracted in the temple last night, unable to focus on the prayers or the blessings. Tonight Amy came by to bring comfort and as I made out with her and then cuddled with her I found - despite usually being in a euphoric state of stressless ease - I found myself going back to a time in my life when my mother died, and I declared it.

--
 On Monday I subconsciously bought a lego set. Something I've always done while I'm depressed. Since Monday, I've already bought another. My fast food intake is on the rise again as well (I'll start training for my charity ride in August). 
Thursday will be a day of work. I took Friday off (Kathryn and I are going hiking). But it won't matter where I'm at or what I'm doing - I know from experience that my mind will be some where else - in a quiet room with me desperately wanting to find a pulse or a heart beat and at the same time wishing to fail my mother no more. 

Just leave the lid open so I can watch

(The Chicken has nothing to do with this post except to say my day began with finding it on the front lawn as I was walking out the door this morning)

All day long today, I felt like I was attending my own funeral. Today was my last day at the Oakley job site, a place I have called home for nearly two and a half years. Yesterday I cleaned out my desk. Today I finished writing the booklet on how to do my job (I swear I missed my calling being a technical writer) and finished cleaning out the pantry with my stuff in it. I met two of the applicants that are applying for my job. I locked the doors for the last time. I cleaned those toys for the last time. I saw certain clients and got hugs from them for that last time. I held back tears as I got tender hugs from those little children.

But the funeral part came as through out the day a stream of people would make quick stops into my office. Each would comment on how I was a big part of the building, how I had a good heart, and how much they were going to miss me. I was hugged by more people today than in at least a year. I'm not a huggy guy (except with Amy), but today I was hugged over and over again. And all I could do was hold back tears.

Earlier today I shut down my PO Box and turned in my change of address form with the USPS.

At 5 o'clock I locked up the building one last time. I put a freshly printed "How to be a Therapy Aide" booklet on what was no longer my desk. I locked the cabinets, locked the office, turned out the lights, and left. And tonight, as I prepare for the final funeral tomorrow, I hold close to my heart the words of my building family and hum a little song in my head.

Could I tweet a life of a super hero?

As I drive into work I listen to a radio program that has a section they call "Celebrity Trash." Without fail, at least once every three days there is a story about Lindsay Lohan or John Mayer and something they wrote on Twitter. For the last few days I've been thinking about getting a twitter acount for the soul purpose of tweeting my super hero activities. I would first have to create a super hero, and then, in 140 characters or less, create activities and a persona that would be the super hero. I have many sources to model a character out of. I could use the teachings of Batman, Captain Hammer, and my own Dad. I could look to the influences of Cindy to have the tenderness of a super hero while look to the FDNY for the rugged running-into-a-burning-building hero quality. I of course would need to create a PR campaign complete with a Super Hero Brand. But really I'm just curious if I could do it. Could I become someone else on Twitter and could that someone else be a Super Hero? What should his name be? Who should he be a super hero to? Should he be a she? Are there other super heroes out there to work withor does he work alone? So many questions - So many tweets! Once I figure out a name, I'll let you know more about him or her.

the bed of my dreams

Vallejo, CA

In 2004 I was dating this wonderful girl. One day we went to a thrift store and saw a bed that we both liked. At the time I couldn't afford it and soon it was gone. Eventually the girl went too, but my desire for that bed never went away. As a woods craftsman, I really like the amount of effort that goes into making a bed like the one I had seen in 2004.
Since moving back to CA I have longed to have a similar bed to the one we saw in Rexburg in 2004. Often times the beds I see are too tall or have a canopy or something else. That was until last night on Craigslist. Last night I saw the bed I've always wanted (though only the footboard and headboard) and it was for FREE. I snatched it right up and now it is mine. All I need to do now is build the frame. I'm so excited.

Left Behind

Antioch, CA

It was recently discovered that I had lost 20 pounds in the last 90 days. Everyone is asking me how I did it. One of the things I did was change my mindset. I was raised to clean your plate. I was raised to appreciate your blessings that we had because there are starving children else where. To lose weight I had to learn to walk away from left over food, like I did today at Lumpy's.

I have been growing a beard

Vallejo, CA

When I get sick I don't shave. I'm all scruffy.

shave needed

Antioch, CA

I need to shave. I'm all scruffy.

My magic trunk

Oakley, CA

At work today we had a box someone had dropped off full of free stuff. There was a selection of snout costumes. I took the two types of costumes and disguised my snout. This was my friends' favorite.

(BTC - Other Snout costumes)

finding focus

Oakley, CA

My roommate was super loud last night, so my eyes were tired all day. This was the only picture I took and it was dizzying to take.

I hate it when I get the banana ones

Oakley, CA

For my last drive to Oregon, I bought a Costco container of nuts and jelly bellys. I use them to keep me awake and alert when I'm driving. In an effort to get off chocolate, I put about half of the container of jelly bellys in my desk at work to eat when I get tired. I was eating them today when I had like three bananas in a row. I hate bananas. I'm thinking about picking out the yellows tomorrow.

a picture and a story

Pleasant Hill, CA

Once there was a 30 year old boy. Let's call him Sean. Sean stopped going to the gym about 8 months ago. He thought he was too busy or the gym was too much. During those 8 months, Sean ate a lot of fast food and drank a lot of unnatural soda. Sean lost a bit of his "in-shape" status. Today Sean returned to the gym. Sean was exhausted and breathing hard after only 250 meters in the pool. Sean used to swim MILES in the pool.
Sean was so tired after he left that he could barely lift his arms to take this crappy picture. On Wednesday Sean will return. Hopefully with more energy. The end...

poppin like candy

Antioch, CA

I've had a headache for days that just doesn't seem to want to go away.

312

Antioch, CA

I think I've mentioned this before, but I'm not one for themes or projects when it comes to photography. I'd love to take a picture from the same spot every month for a year - but I don't know where I'll be any given day and I'm not sure if I will even be in the same state the day it needs to happen.
I tried a urinal blog for a while but it ended up not going any where.

That all said - if I was to ever do another theme blog or even a running theme on here - I think it would be a Mailbox theme. I love different people's mailboxes.

(BTW - I think a fireman lives at this house, don't you?)

It turns out it isn't orange

Antioch, CA

Evidently, I thought I would spend 2009 being wrong when Nina was right - a lot. I really thought this was orange. Shouldn't basketball tie tacks be orange?

book deal

Antioch, CA

Nina has been actively attempting to get me to read the book on the right. I have actively been telling her heck no. Well, during the past weekend to visit her we were at her place, I was massaging her shoulders (I love giving massages. It relaxes me so much as it relaxes my victim...I mean friend) when she again mentioned my "need" to read a book about vampires. She said "Just like before [September of 2007], I'll read something of yours in exchange." I did not realize at the time that Twilight was 498 bloody freaking pages long(!), and so I suggested a book I really enjoyed called A Walk in the Woods (which is only 274 pages). So tonight I went to Half Price Books and bought me a copy of Twilight and Nina a copy of A Walk in the Woods. I'll start reading the vampire book as soon as I'm done with my current read - Testimony by Anita Shreve which is actually keeping my attention - unlike the 4 other books sitting on my night stand.

Second verse same as the first.

Oakley, CA

Still having ear problems.

Gosh I have a lot of grey hair.

deaf

Antioch, CA

Back in December I had a doctor tell me my ears were full of wax. He told me to start using Debrox. So i do, but it doesn't seem to be cleaning them out. So today I did what my mother used to do - I used Q-Tips. That didn't do a whole lot of good either. Not only did I pull a whole bunch of wax out - but now my ear feels clogged. I would say I'm open so suggestions, but it may fall on deaf ears.

(BTC - Neon on my forehead)
(BTC - Enjoying Swine Flew)

shorts in school

Pleasant Hill, CA

This won't mean anything to most of you, but I went to class today in shorts. The last school I attended I signed a contract that prohibited shorts on Campus and in the classroom. It's a very freeing feeling to be able to wear shorts on a hot day.

Films that inspire

Antioch, CA

Tonight I stayed home and watched the Academy Awards. It was a very enjoyable evening until the second to last award. Sean Penn once again proved that to be an actor you don't have to be smart. He stated that those that voted for prop 8 should be ashamed of themselves but that those that voted for President Obama are a reason to celebrate. According to the polling information, stats released by the state of California and stats released by the LDS church - the people that voted for Obama and Prop 8 - are the same people. Sean Penn specifically stated that it was the voters that should feel shame. He should feel shame for an inability to comprehend who really elected a president and passed prop 8. My only hope is that Sean Penn gets called to the carpet just like Tom Hanks did. You simply can not say you love America and the rights of it's people to vote and then cast shame and "un-American" labels on people just because they don't vote the way you do. For example - I did not agree with those that voted for increased cage sizes for raised animals. But instead of crying foul, I have started increasing the cage sizes of my animals because I respect the law. Sean Penn should learn to respect others as well. Until then he just looks dumb for not being able to figure out that the African-American voters that voted for President Obama also voted for Prop 8.

Before I conclude my rant, I just want to state that I really love actors, actresses, and film. There were a lot of great movies presented tonight. I look forward to seeing some with my Dad (doubt, milk, slumdog millionaire to start), and I loved the ones that I saw and loved (the visitor, dark knight). Movies are so critical and important to inspiring greatness and to capture stories of hope. Over lunch today we discussed the influence of of Richard Dutcher's movies. Dutcher released God's Army and Brigham City before eventually leaving the LDS church. His movies challenged the stereotypes and process of a deep belief in God and how that can (and should) govern our lives. Dutcher eventually left the Mormon church (see farewell letter here), but before going he taught me about myself and allowed me to see aspects of me that I had never considered.
And that is what film should do. I am often heard commenting on how much I love and hate Aaron Sorkin. If you don't know, Aaron Sorkin wrote Sports Night and the first four seasons of The West Wing. His episodes were often very inspiring and educational and asks you to examine your belief system. There are some that say movies and TV are just meant to entertain, and I agree that sometimes that's right (though even Tropic Thunder was amazing with Robert Downey Junior) , but that is not the full purpose of film: The full purpose is to inspire and tonight we got to see some of that. I am so grateful for great writers and great directors and even dumb actors.

English Bulldog

Oakley, CA

One of my clients brought in his new English Bulldog "puppy" today. It's name is Princess Fiona because just like an ogre, "this dog will only be pretty on the inside."

I put quotes over puppy because it already weighed 17 pounds. Not to complain but do you know how hard it is to hold a 17 pound bulldog in one arm and take a picture with the other arm?

(BTC)