Monday, April 26, 2010

Snow for the soul

Today was an emotionally challenging day. For starters, it was the last Monday at my Oakley office. I know this because several people reminded me of it. By Friday I'm going to be rather tired of people telling me that it is my last ____ until I start my new job on Monday. I am keenly interested in starting the new job and having a new adventure, but by no means am I in any hurry to leave the job I have loved for so long.
Additionally, today Amy and I broke up. For a bunch of reasons - some complicated, few not - the relationship had ran its course and was done. No matter if you are the breaker or the broken, the break-up is an emotional roller coaster. This one started on Thursday night and ended this morning about 10:30. By the time lunch rolled around, I just wanted to go hide.
Tonight for dinner, I went with several friends to wish Shell a Happy Graduation. She graduates from college this Saturday (assuming she finishes writing her 50 page paper and her printer likes her enough to print it out this time). Shell and I had a strong friendship for a while but it eventually fell apart while I was dating Amy the first time. Tonight was the first time we had spoken since January.

At 5, I found myself in Walnut Creek, at Heather Farms. I was running early for my therapy appointment, but had no where else to be so I just sat and read. A storm is supposed to hit the bay area later tonight and so as I sat, the wind picked up. On the tops of the cottontails that surround the lake are these little puffs of white seeds. When the wind blows, their mother plants set them free to float through the air to new ground. To me it is like watching snow fall. As the wind huffs and puffs, the sky fills with flurries. And I am reminded of peace.

While I was in college, I started having emotional problems every October. It turned out that there were about 50 events in my life tied to October (fiance leaving, mother being diagnosed with terminal cancer, grandpa dying, etc.). After three years of psych therapy, the Dx given was for me to not make any major decisions in the month of October, and instead wait till the first snow. So for years I have yearned for the first snow. The one that comes at the end of October or early November - the snow that says, everything is well again - that the world is at peace.

Today's snow didn't stick and instead just floated away. The bad emotional day remained, but for a brief moment - I had snow for my soul. And it felt....peaceful.

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