"For behold, I, God, have suffered these things for all, that they might not suffer..." Doctrine & Covenants 19:16
I have had a lot of things handed to me. I have been blessed and I have been unworthy of a lot of that blessing. You see, I have this problem paying the price. I'm not sure why it is, but for as long as I can remember, I have struggled paying the price. I know - in part - it is because I have never been one to jump hoops for the sake of jumping hoops. At BYUI I had a professor announce on the first day of class that he was going to make the class harder this semester. I raised my hand and asked if we were going to learn any more than the class last semester. The professor replied he doubted it. I dropped the class. If I had kept the class, I would have a sociology major today instead of a BS in University Studies. But I just couldn't jump through his hoop. I wasn't willing to pay the price.
But I'm getting ahead of myself. In Elementary school I had Mr. G. He saw through my game. As I will post later, I was a very sickly child and I was home schooled most of my early education because I was too sick to go to school. By 6th grade, I was getting better and could attend most of 6th grade. There was a lot of hoop jumping to be done and I refused to do it. I played to my parent's sympathies. Some time I won, some times I didn't. But I will surely never forget a November morning as I sat in his classroom with my parents for a conference. He called me on my game. "Sean just doesn't try if he doesn't see the point." Exactly. And there is a lot I don't either see the point to or comprehend the point to. And so for a long time I have just not paid the price to learn what those would have me learn.
I haven't paid the price in my education, my religion and my social contacts. I haven't sunk deep into the books and actually struggled through a class. Instead, if the class got too hard I would drop it, telling myself I was keeping my GPA safe when really all I was doing was refusing to pay the price. I haven't sunk deep into my scriptures and my faith. There was a point where I thought I knew as much as I needed to know. So I stopped trying to learn more. Spiritual knowledge and spiritual faith is like a car on a hill: You are either applying gas and making it farther up or you are in neutral or reverse. And really it doesn't matter which of those last two you're in - you're sliding back down the hill either way. So my faith and my diligence in learning of Christ and Heavenly Father has been in neutral. And lastly, I have not been diligent in the process of being a good person that people seek out. I have, at times been a bit of an arrogant ass. I have troubles at times filtering what comes out of my mouth. However, as I have had friends drop off, I always blame them. They aren't patient enough or willing to leave their comfort zones or what ever. However, really, it's me.
And now - right now - I'm paying the price. In December I will turn 30. I am no where near where I want to be spiritually, educationally or socially. When I was 18 I imagined myself as a married man teaching high school and being a bishop. I'm none of those things and I'm not close to it. I'm in a dead end job, renting a room in a house and still taking classes at the junior college.
I think it is time to start paying the price I need to be paying so that I will stop paying the price I'm currently paying. I hope to use this blog to help me have a record of the continuation of that path. I think I am to the point in my life where paying the price sounds like a great idea.
Antioch, CA
