Pride Dreams and Location

Pride
When my mother was getting ready to die, she pulled me aside and told me she had some things she wanted. The first thing she wanted was for me to move back in with my father after she died. She knew I was seriously dating Krista and that Krista & I would soon be married, but she wanted my father and I to live together until then. She also asked me to speak at her memorial - to give the eulogy and to not talk longer than 15 minutes. I spoke for 30.

The last thing she asked me to do was to accept sums of money from my father while I was in school. At the time of her death, I had been accepted to Humboldt State in CA. (BYU-Idaho didn't happen until after she had pasted way.) This has been an assignment I have always struggled with. Except for a few minor things, I have always been self sufficient. I started working when I was 14 because I didn't want my parents to have to worry about buying me stuff.

I think one of the things that has been the hardest to get over is the pride. I don't like having to admit that I need money from my father and to go ask for it. Unfortunately, I've had to do that a lot this year. Except for trips to WI, truck insurance, and the medical bills from breaking my wrist, I haven't had to go much to my father for money, which I'm happy to say. Up until this year I have kept the cost of my education and living expenses down. However, this semester I got a smaller amount of student loans (because I went 4 semester's straight) and I didn't have a semester off to make extra money. Therefore - this semester has been a humbling experience - having to ask my father for help.

**
Dreams
Dreams are a weird thing - I don't really have any. I was reading last night about Zooey Deschanel and how she knew at a young age that she wanted to be an actress. I have roommates that have known for a long time (since birth for Dal) what they wanted to be when they grew up. I honestly have no clue what my dreams are in life. I know what I'm comfortable doing, but I'm not sure beyond that. Because I don't know what I want to do, I'm graduating in 12 days with a degree in University Studies (or Underwater Basket Weaving as it has been called, by some). I know things I'd like to have, but I don't know exactly what I want.

I want a wife (or more appropriately - I want to be loved by a woman who isn't going to break up with me or die)
I want a job
I want to be out of debt
I want to be happy

One want that I recently discovered I have achieved was the dream of being happy by myself. For a long time, I couldn't do anything unless it was with someone. But now I have enough hobbies that I can be happy by myself. I randomly go on photo shoots (most recently to Mesa Falls). I can sit in my room or outside or wherever and carve wood (most recently my fish that looks like a dolphin that mated with a whale.) I can read (though, a strange thing has occurred there - I used to hate fiction and only read nonfiction. I'm reading more and more fiction and less and less nonfiction. I'm not sure why.)

But beyond that dream - I'm not sure I have a dream. Not a dream job, not a dream lifestyle, not a dream life. I wonder how you go about fixing that.

**
Location.
I have been looking for work for about 4 months now. I think the hardest part of looking for work is looking. After July 18th, I can go anywhere. I don't have a wife or a girlfriend. I'm tied down by debt, but I owe the federal government most of that and they will allow me to pay it off a little at a time.

So after July 18th, I could literally go anywhere and that is hard - because I'm looking everywhere. And there is so much to consider: Family in Wisconsin. Family in California. Friends in California. Friends in Provo. A strong desire not to live in Northern Illinois (My ex-fiance is serving a mission there). I need a place with an airport so my brother and father can see me and I (on the off chance I'm willing to fly over drive) can fly out. Someplace not to hot and not too cold (so Northern Montana is out, New Mexico is out, and Arizona is out). But beyond that - the sky is the limit. That is a huge haystack to find a needle in. I wish I could just settle my mind on a place and move there. Then finding a job would be much easier - because I'd be stuck with a 1-year contract and I would have to get a job there. I wish I knew where that place was.