Let me first start out to say that I am particularly proud of myself. I'm not what you would call "pro Gay." In fact, I belong to the Mormon church which is pretty anti-gay. But somewhere along the way I managed to pick up gay and lesbian readers. One of then even called me a gentleman. Who would have thunk that my little life could transcend the binds of sexual orientation.
So to my newly acquired homosexual readers, Welcome.
Now onto a little more saddening statement. For those of you that have been longtime blog readers, you know that my first year of blogging dealt a lot with me trying to get over KNJ. When my second year came about, I made a promise to my readers that I would comment less about KNJ. I feel that for the most part - I've kept to that promise. Tonight I'm going to sway from that a little and talk about my hole in my heart.
Some of you know that Nina and I broke up, got back together, just to break up again. We spent the two weeks being together arguing. This was an emotionally hard time for me and I eventually just had to break it off with her. We had very different perspectives in life and while I could bad mouth her - I won't.
Breaking up with Nina was particularly hard because it was the first time in 3 years that I felt safe enough to open my heart up to a girl. I was willing to fall in love with her and start to build a life with her. To fail at love again was painful. But in the end, it was unavoidable. We just weren't meant for each other.
Which then turns my heart to the one I was meant to be with. I miss more than anything in my life, my old friend KNJ. I have never met anyone quite like her. she was her own person that they broke the mold after her (speaking of breaking molds...). I have never loved so deeply someone that wasn't family like I loved KNJ. Losing her is one of the biggest regrets I have in life.
While Nina and I were dating my thoughts occasionally turned to KNJ. As I would open up that heart of mine to Nina, the old wounds that I had merely stitched over came back to the surface and exposed a love I still had for KNJ.
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Tonight I was on temple hill helping John run Live Nativity (a five minute reenactment of the birth of Christ). While on the hill I got to see young couples with kids. cute kids ages 6 months to 4 years old. It was a site that just made my face smile and my heart yearn. I look forward to the day where I can be in love again. More than anything though, I wish that day involved KNJ.
Conversations with my body in the first trimester of pregnancy
-
1. Body/morning sickness: Hey.
Katie: Oh, no.
B: HEY! Heeeyyyy, are we at Stake Conference? (a church meeting- this was
at a Saturday evening session)
...
1 year ago
The KNJ you yearn for no longer exists, except in your imagination. Just as you have changed a lot over the last few years, so has she. I re-learned this lesson a while after your mom died. I looked up some old girlfriends (Google is your friend) and discovered that although they were still nice people, there was no chance of a relationship like we had in the past. It really was completely over. I know it is hard to see couples it bothers me too some times. Even though I have a wonderful girlfriend, we can't spend as much time together as we would like so we have to have "alone" lives in addition to our life as a couple. We have both learned to have very active lives whether we are together or we are on out own. Now is the time to develop yourself so when that special woman falls into your lap (like both of the special women in my life), you will be a whole, wonderful person ready for a real relationship. Moping about the past does nothing to make a bright future for yourself. It is time to let the past fade into distant memory and to make a wonderful future.
ReplyDeleteFirst off, I wasn't moping. I was reminiscing. And secondly, I was out developing myself. I was at a dance performance and a live nativity performance. I wasn't sitting on my hope chest menacing about how life should be. I was being like an old person - thinking back to a time when life was different. People were kinder and gas prices were lower and I was in love. I think that for the most part - this is a good way to take courage. I know true love exists and I need to continue searching for my next true love.
ReplyDeleteMoping, in my mind, is like some of the girls at BYU-Idaho that sit on their hope chests at night and then in class the next morning bitch about how they are not being asked out. And that it is some how the guy's fault. The girls I've asked out in the last 3 years were all girls I met doing something.
But I digress - The post was me reminscing about a time that has gone by. A time that I long to see again. I know it will be with a different girl. I just hope that different girl makes me smile and laugh like KNJ did, and Nina didn't.
I hope that girl makes you smile more and laugh even harder than KNJ. Sean, your comment cleared up a lot of questions i had about where you really are... (maybe emotionally is the right word) as far as love goes.
ReplyDeleteYou are absolutely right, u have to get out and do things you enjoy= meet new people=complete who you are before you will be ready for someone to fill the other half.
She's out there somewhere, and she will be SO worth the wait. I promise you that.
Dad: Why did you jump to the negative, BTW? You could have told me how proud you were that I had homosexual readers. That's a big accomplishment for me.
ReplyDeleteYou're welcome. After all, I am pretty sure that the only straight readers I have come from your page.
ReplyDeleteA loving relationship takes a lot of work. That's why so many fail. People don't know how they work and find out the hard way why they don't. It doesn't just happen. Divorce lawyers and courts are full of crashed attempts built on faulty assumptions and behavior. I suggest you start doing some reading. This book is full of valuable information. "This is How Love Works" Nine essential secrets you need to know, by Steven Carter. Some of this stuff you probably already do/know. But it's the things you don't know that will keep you from getting what you want. I have never been able to figure out why people will spend years in school learning how to do something so they can get a job but fail to learn about the most important relationship of all.
ReplyDeleteMy two cents on love: it's a feeling. Feelings aren't conjured, unless you're an actor, they're felt. When you feel love in your life, you'll have love in your life. You know it, and you'll know it again.
ReplyDeleteNow, let's talk about this business of my being "acquired"...
*grinneth* I love the fact that you consider having homosexual readers an accomplishment! (we could use more people like you in my area of the country) Yahoo for the fact that your blog has gained such varied readership!
ReplyDelete