I want to fly

In December I saw Avatar and it had a guy who jumps on the back of a bird and flies around. This past weekend, Amy and I saw "How to train your Dragon." During the movie, a boy (with his girlfriend later on) mounts on the shoulders of a dragon. In both instances I watched in envy. I have been able to defy gravity several times. I've stripped down to my underwear and had a TSA agent approve me to board a huge metal tunnel and fly. But that flying isn't the same as the joy I watched those little cartoon faces. As I watched, I felt a need to fly. The closest feeling I can think of is riding roller coasters. But even that is attached to a track. I wonder how it would feel to just fly. I think I would love that feeling.

(Both movies also had a person or two a with a disability. Thanks be to the movie world for realizing that these are real people and can do more than they were previously given credit for.)

Pondering upon girlfriends past

Last Monday, Amy came over to the house to pick up some work related items from Dave. While there she gave me a hug. It wasn't a quick hug but one of those hugs that tells you "I will hug you for as long as you need this hug. I am your friend, I love you and I want you to feel loved and comforted." I did linger in my hug, because on that day, I could have used a hug.

After Amy left, I got to thinking about the qualities of girlfriends past. Five girlfriends come to mind (Disclaimer 1): Amy, Nina, Melinda, B'Shaun and KNJ-P. For various reasons, I miss a piece of each one of these girls.

Amy was always free with her affection. I have met girls that only give affection when they want it, but not Amy. If I wanted a hug or a kiss, she was glad to oblige, with no alternative motive. Additionally she used to hold me. I know it is the strong guy that is supposed to hold the girl as she is comforted through her life, but sometimes I just want to be held. She would curl up with me and wrap her arms around me and make me feel safe. Because of past experiences, I have a real hard time feeling safe, but with her, I was safe.
Anoter great aspect about Amy is her ability to see the world through a much simpler way. She enjoys the simple things in life and doesn't require a lot of complication to be happy or satisfied. Since dating her,I tend to look morefor the positive in people, seek out happy moments and enjoy more of the sun on my face than curse it.

Nina has several redeeming qualities. To start out with, she is super smart. She studies hard and knows her material well. I can ask her a slew of questons and she often knows the answer and is able to teach it to me. Another great quality of Nina is her ability to call me on my crap. I make a lot of excuses for myself and Nina has the ability to call me onmy excuses and get me to admit I'm putting out a line of bull. In other words, she knocks down my pride and humbles me. No matter how smart other people think I am, she is able to point out to me the things I'm really smart about and the things I'm just making up as I go along. Furthermore, she inspires me to go and learn more about the things I know crap about because I hate being called out on it. Lastly, Nina has taught me to love animals more. As I learn to love animals more, especially dogs, I find myself becoming more social. Just last weekend, I went hiking at a place that had maybe 60 dogs scattered through out the park. I got to meet several owners and talk to them about the park, their dogs, and other topics.

Melinda gave me a greater appreciation for the outdoors. While she still can't convince me that camping is "fun," I love going out hiking and seeing new things in nature. When we were dating in Rexburg, we went out almost every night on a walk. I learned the streets of Rexburg well and had some great adventures that I still refer to today. I learned about plants and nature and national parks and all sorts of things. In addition to the walks, Melinda gave me the gift of learning about the world I live in. Both of us actively read the National Geographic magazine and discuss the contents. Though I loved learning before, Melinda really helped me focus my learning. Melinda's enthusiasm for the National Parks System helps fuel my enthusiasm for the Parks system and my desire to wander through it. In addition to nature, Melinda keeps my passions alive in helping people with disabilities. Part of her extra ciricular activities at BYUI is to keep Adaptive Activities alive and well. Just this past weekend Melinda helped host a Goalball event. Melinda is not blind or in a wheelchair, but her continued desire to help those that are and teach those that aren't reminds me of my desire to do the same.

B'Sean has an enthusiasm for life like nothing else. This girl is excited For pretty much anything. She can go up to complete strangers and talk to them like they were in the war together. I'm a bit anti-social, but B'Sean taught me to be a little more open. She helped me figure out that I'm anti-social to groups, but that small groups or one on one is fine for me. She got me to try new things and be willing to leave my comfort zones. B'Sean is always a good ear as well. She (and the three previously mentioned) is more than willing to sit there and listen during those times when I just need someone to hear me.

KNJ-P had the ability to instill self confidence and the ability to do the one thing no one else has been able to do: teach me about me. Sure she was able to do a lot more and taught me to hold myself to a higher standard, but the one thing I always think about when it comes to her was her ability to teach me about meShe had this strange ability to look into me and interpet my actions, my words, and my past in a way that brought sanity to me. I have never felt as safe or as understood by someone as much as she did and then taught me to do. Because of her, I believed I could do so much. I took on a lot of fears head on because she told me I could handle it and then was to help support me when I faltered (it turned out she was often right too. I could handle those fears.). Another great redeeming quality was her loyalty. When my mom was diagnosed with cancer, I very plainly told KNJ that we should break up. She calmy told me that she loves me and that she will be with me through good and bad. And until it became very clear 18 months later that our relationship had run its course, KNJ stuck to that. She was firecly loyal to me and to our relationship. The last thing I really liked about KNJ was that she was constantly thinking and constantly planning. She probably had ten projects going on in her head at a time. One time I heart attacked her room (took construction paper,cut it up into heart shapes, tossed them around her room and on her bed.). She thought it was cute, said thank you, and I thought that was it. Two months later, she got a friend and not only heart attacked my room but put 15 different oragamy figurines through out my room with little quotes attatched to them. She was planning it the whole time, while also carrying a full load of classes and designing a 20 foot Chineese dragon puppet. Little things like that continued through our relationship as she was constantly thinking about other things to add to our relationship. It was creatively nice.

As I ponder about these past girlfriends, I'm reminded that I trully am blessed. I'm still close friends with four of them. And I have these great gifts that I have been given from dating these wonderful women. I love animals, people, nature and life. I've learned about the world I live in, new activities and about myself. 4.5 (disclaimer #2) of these women tell me that they too were given a lot through our dating and that they were blessed because of the experience and enjoy being near me.

As I look though the girls on Plentyoffish.com (rant #1), I am sadly disapointed because of the standard these previous women have given.

Disclaimer 1: Melinda and B'Shaun have never been an offical "Girlfriend of Sean" but both have been dated more times than some ex-girlfriends I have had.

Disclaimer 2: KNJ-P and I have a civil relationship now. The other four women get along fine with me. KNJ-P has said in the past that dating me was a great experience but she has no desire to be close now. I'm okay with that.

Rant 1: Okay, I realize that, to most people, getting a little buzzed sounds fun, but come on. Seriously is there that few number of people who don't smoke and don't drink alcohol that they just don't show up on online dating sites?

I had donuts for breakfast. For the first 5 hours of my day I was so bored. At 1 I went from the Oakley office to the Antioch office where things went much better. After work I picked up my developed film and uploaded the shots to the internet. I worked in the back yard. Kristen made dinner of meatloaf and vegetables.
at 11:15, Amy came over to get something from Dave. It felt so nice to get three hugs from her. I have been feeling so lonely lately.

I went to bed at about 1 AM this morning and didn't set my alarm. I slept till 3 PM. For the day I relaxed. I watched NCIS and House on tv. I shopped for girls on plentyoffish.com. I had a lengthy IM conversation with Melinda. I went onto facebook for the first time in a week and sadly felt disconnected from the lives of friends. Yet at the same time didn't feel a need to return to it this week. At 7 I started the bbq and we ate as a house at the table. At 9 I played some video games with Dave and Kristen. At 10 I'll go to bed. I should have done my laundry. I didn't go to church because Amy, Tina, Kathryn and Bonnie were all gone - no one to socialize with.

I woke up at 7:30. I took the truck and trailer to the dump. Dropped off the load.I then took the trailer to Clyde to put it back in storage. I picked up Kathryn on the way home, met Jill at the house and the three of us drove down to Sunol Regional Park to go hiking. We hiked Camp Ohlone Rd to the Little Yosemite area, took pictures of the waterfalls, and then continued onto the Canyon View Trail and the Indian Joe nature trail. For breakfast/lunch/dinner, we went to the Cheesecake factory in Pleasanton. We walked off the big meal by window shopping in the mall. Then it was back to Benecia to drop Kathryn off, and head to Napa. In Napa, Jill and I watched "The last station" which I thought was interesting and endearing and Jill thought was depressing and not at all what she wanted to see. After the movie, we went out for yogurt and talked. Once I got home, Dave, Deborea and I went out for groceries for tomorrow. Dave and I decided we had no desire to go to church. Deborea is not feeling well enough for church - so we are going to stay home and have steak instead. It is Midnight as I'm typing this. We just barely got back from the grocery store and I'm off to a bed that will rest my tired body.

I woke up at 7:30. I took the truck and trailer to the dump. Dropped off the load.I then took the trailer to Clyde to put it back in storage. I picked up Kathryn on the way home, met Jill at the house and the three of us drove down to Sunol Regional Park to go hiking. We hiked Camp Ohlone Rd to the Little Yosemite area, took pictures of the waterfalls, and then continued onto the Canyon View Trail and the Indian Joe nature trail. For breakfast/lunch/dinner, we went to the Cheesecake factory in Pleasanton. We walked off the big meal by window shopping in the mall. Then it was back to Benecia to drop Kathryn off, and head to Napa. In Napa, Jill and I watched "The last station" which I thought was interesting and endearing and Jill thought was depressing and not at all what she wanted to see. After the movie, we went out for yogurt and talked. Once I got home, Dave, Deborea and I went out for groceries for tomorrow. Dave and I decided we had no desire to go to church. Deborea is not feeling well enough for church - so we are going to stay home and have steak instead. It is Midnight as I'm typing this. We just barely got back from the grocery store and I'm off to a bed that will rest my tired body.

I found the front water source this morning. That will make putting in sprinklers and a drip system easier. I was beat 4 times out of 5 by a third grade client today while playing kid UNO. I made up for it by beating her 2 out of 3 times while playing Connect 4. During lunch and through out the day I read Enders Game. I'm about 180 pages in. After work I worked in the back yard trying to trim the berry bush. While I was pulling on a weed, the lattice structure pulled down almost hitting me in the head, It looks like the same idiots who installed the wooden shed installed the lattice work thing. Wrought-ed out posts every single one of them. I bought three tools at Home Depot tonight.I made a payment on my credit card. After I publish this,i'm going to work on my room and then bed - lots to do tomorrow.

I found the front water source this morning. That will make putting in sprinklers and a drip system easier. I was beat 4 times out of 5 by a third grade client today while playing kid UNO. I made up for it by beating her 2 out of 3 times while playing Connect 4. During lunch and through out the day I read Enders Game. I'm about 180 pages in. After work I worked in the back yard trying to trim the berry bush. While I was pulling on a weed, the lattice structure pulled down almost hitting me in the head, It looks like the same idiots who installed the wooden shed installed the lattice work thing. Wrought-ed out posts every single one of them. I bought three tools at Home Depot tonight.I made a payment on my credit card. After I publish this,i'm going to work on my room and then bed - lots to do tomorrow.

Tonight after work I dropped off two rolls of film. Kathryn and I got my desk out of storage and set it up in my room. I then contnued to clean my room. Kristen made meatballs and pasta for dinner. I made it five chapters deeper into Ender's Game.

Tonight after work I dropped off two rolls of film. Kathryn and I got my desk out of storage and set it up in my room. I then contnued to clean my room. Kristen made meatballs and pasta for dinner. I made it five chapters deeper into Ender's Game.

I finished my online class today. I got an 85% in General Psych which means I achieved my "B or better" requirement. This ups my GPA to 2.91. To celebrate I drove home with the window down, fresh spring in my nose and the wind in my hair. That is until I got to Martinez - the refineries and the sewage treatment plant required me to roll up my windows.
I cleaned my room tonight.

I finished my online class today. I got an 85% in General Psych which means I achieved my "B or better" requirement. This ups my GPA to 2.91. To celebrate I drove home with the window down, fresh spring in my nose and the wind in my hair. That is until I got to Martinez - the refineries and the sewage treatment plant required me to roll up my windows.
I cleaned my room tonight.

When Social Networking becomes Social Narcissim

On Sunday I made a deal with a friend: We are both giving up Facebook for the week. So, since Sunday I have not seen the familiar blue background and nor have I been reading up and keeping up on the lives of about 300 friends. I have been coming home, checking my e-mail and watching tv or doing homework.


After just three days I find myself struggling. I'm not struggling with not knowing what's going on in other people's lives. I'm not struggling not being able to comment on the mundane in the world. I don't miss clicking the "like" button. However there is one thing I really do miss: Updating others on my status.


I use my status update both as a way to try to be creative and also a way to gather comments from friends - usually in a jealous way. Tuesday it was 70 degrees and so I bought a chocolate shake. As I was sucking it, I was really tempted to log onto Facebook and announce it. Monday night when we were moving the "new" fridge into the house, both Dave and I missed a step. He had the whole fridge fall on his leg, while I only had a corner of it fall on my knee (which still hurts today).

In addition to get sympathy or create jealousy, I use it as a way to create quick creative posts. A few weeks ago, it was "Trap set, cage built, now all I need is a purple person and I'll be able to catch my very own one eyed one horned flying purple people eater." Another week it was "Three steps to becoming a hero: 1. Live in the west. 2. Work in the east. 3. Drive off into the sunset every day. Bonus if you can tilt your hat to all of the women and children." After a week of lacking sleep and early mornings I wrote that I was "still a little punchy and feeling like taking over a small country or an ant hill."

Other days, I use my status as a way to make declarative statements. "Sean knows it is going to be a good day when it starts with Oingo Boingo." "Sean feels happy and safe here [in Vallejo]. "The radio Gods have been nice to Sean giving him Queen three times this week."

However, all of these status updates are just the beginning. What I really miss is the response. There is something cool about logging into Facebook and seeing that 4 people liked your status and 3-4 people commented on your status. It helps reinforce a personal feeling that at times - I'm awesome. No where else in life do you get that (I used to get a lot of that with the Photo A Day blog, but that died off over time which helped lead to my boredom with that project). No where else does it happen regularily that you type something that is less than 200 characters or you publish a picture or you post a link - that people decide they like it and think is cool. And that is sadly what I have been missing most this week. I got a little bit of praise this week (My friend Jill keeps telling me what a hard worker I am because of the amount of work I do at home after I get home from work) - but one voice isn't enough. Social Networking has turned me into a social narcisist and a whore for praise.

Today I installed the "new" fridge, moved the "old" fridge outdoors and finished pulling weeds on the bricks.

Today I installed the "new" fridge, moved the "old" fridge outdoors and finished pulling weeds on the bricks.

Service is rarely fit to your schedule

It's 12:01 in the morning and I am no where near the bed that was beckoning me just 60 minutes prior. I am instead sitting in an ER waiting room, laptop open and fingers typing. Service never seems to come calling at 10 in the morning after a good night's rest.

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On Sunday, during a testimony meeting, a friend got up and talked about learning to let himself go. He talked about the importance of that scripture "Whosoever will save his life shall lose it; and whosoever will lose his life for My Sake shall find it." and the other "When you are in the service of your fellow being you are only in the service of your God." My friend was talking about giving service to me.

I live at a house that was a foreclosure and bought as an investment. The owner of the house then got transferred out to Indiana. In able to keep renters in the house, the owner is charging a very low rate, but with that low rate comes the responsibility of taking care of the house. A shed in the back yard had started to lean and was in danger of taking out the back fence if the shed leaned any more. So I sent out a desperate plea for help with the shed on Facebook. There were many conflicts for the time I chose. One big conflict for my friend was a desire to see a girl he is courting. He had commitments in the afternoon that he couldn't get out of so it was a very simple choice of seeing her or helping tearing down the shed. He read that scripture earlier in the week and felt impressed to come to my place.

My friend testified on Sunday about the joy and peace that entered him as he worked on the shed. Some things that had been frustrating him disappeared as the shed took on his anxious energy. His mind cleared as he focused on the shed and its ultimate demise.

As he left he was invigorated and felt energized. He was better at ease and was asking if there was more work to be done. His afternoon went well and he even got to see that cute girl.

The core of his testimony was how he went to provide service for me and yet when he left - he felt the service had been done to him. For the most part - I think that is how service works. I've never walked away from a service activity that I said to myself "Gosh that was a waste."

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In a few minutes I will post this and start reading a new book I got in the mail today. Just in the nick of time, a book a friend recommended arrived today in the mail. A service by a friend to keep me entertained while I provide service to a friend. What a nice circle.

making it through the storm

As I sat in my office the last 2 hours of the day, it was unavoidable to hear the wind picking up the pace outside. Each time the automatic door opened bigger and bigger gusts of wind were able to force there way into the building. Whether it was predicted or not, we had a cold front and a rain storm on its way.

At 3:30 I adventured out to my truck and saw on my western horizon a dark line forming in the sky. There were no individual clouds, only a thick grey cloud. I drove west, heading right for it.

As I got closer to the dark horizon, I noticed to my right the Delta already engulfed in the suffocating clouds. Around me the wind increased and knocked my light truck bed around like I was a pinata at an Oakland Athletics' batting practice. Shortly before the hill that arose in front of me, the sky began to open up, first my spitting on my windshield, but eventually it came down in sheets and decreased the visibility of the other motorists in front of me. By the time I reached the crest of the hill, little white beads started to pepper the hood of my truck. Hail is not common in California, but this little storm didn't let that deter it. My truck's hood turned from bright red to speckled white.

I pressed on.

By the time I reached the bridge, I was on the other side. The only visibility problem I faced now was the bright sun cascading down from the baby blue sky. The wet pavement reflected the shine up, filled the truck cab with warmth and a little bit of glare. As I looked back over the darkened Delta, I thought of the near ending of the Truman Show. Truman, in the midst of his own storm, shouts up at the sky and screams "Is that the best you can do?" I too felt that way as a smile settled on my face and I thought about the other storms in my life. They might seem dark and able to toss me around. But waiting on just the other side is sunshine and an attitude of "Is that the best you can do? Because that trial - that storm - wasn't nearly enough to knock me off course.

the last shot

Vallejo, CA

I was watching the Academy Awards tonight which had this dance routine.

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Post 1002, picture post 1000
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This is my last day of photo a day. 1000 days of daily posting is enough for me. From now on, I'll post at three other spots, but I won't be posting here and I won't be posting daily. Feel free to continue to follow me at my Adventures Blog, my Portfolio Blog or my "For the Sake of Pictures" blog. Thank you for your loyalty for the last 1000+ days.

the day the shed died

Vallejo, CA

Along with a group of friends, I took down a shed in my back yard that was in danger of falling on the fences behind it.

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Post 1001, picture post 999

the hair pin collecting plate

Vallejo, CA

I live with a girl and these get found through out the house and recollected here.

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Post 1000, picture post 998

the bed of my dreams

Vallejo, CA

In 2004 I was dating this wonderful girl. One day we went to a thrift store and saw a bed that we both liked. At the time I couldn't afford it and soon it was gone. Eventually the girl went too, but my desire for that bed never went away. As a woods craftsman, I really like the amount of effort that goes into making a bed like the one I had seen in 2004.
Since moving back to CA I have longed to have a similar bed to the one we saw in Rexburg in 2004. Often times the beds I see are too tall or have a canopy or something else. That was until last night on Craigslist. Last night I saw the bed I've always wanted (though only the footboard and headboard) and it was for FREE. I snatched it right up and now it is mine. All I need to do now is build the frame. I'm so excited.

rain then thunder the lightning then hail then nothing

Oakley, CA

This morning it was normal rain. Then from 11 to about 3 it was actually sunny. At about 3:15 it got really fun. Starting with a big clap of thunder, the skies just opened up and for the next 45 minutes. Rain is soooo hard to catch on a Point and Pray camera (still can't afford a Digital SLR), but the rain and hail was coming down in such high volumes that I was able to catch it. It was a great storm to witness.

Bathroom Posters

Antioch, CA

These are two of three posters in the Men's room at Lumpy's.

Walnut Creek, CA

I found myself in Walnut Creek with about 90 minutes to study. So I went to this little bakery I know and started studying. In the booth was this bench seat with this background. I thought it was rather OCD Zebra ish.

Being an Eagle Scout

On Sunday night I returned to my homeland to watch a young man I have known for the last 14 years accomplish something not a lot of men are able to do. My friend got his Eagle Scout. He and I share something in common - we both made it to the ripe old age of 16, got a vehicle, met girls and sort of forgot about going to Eagle. Both of us, as time drew closer to age 18, felt impressed to revisit the goal and to achieve it. (My friend finished his 3 weeks prior to his 18th birthday. I finished mine 3 HOURS prior to my 18th Birthday.)

Since being awarded my Eagle, I have only seen it used once in my life directly - and that was for a job interview at a grocery store in Idaho (Literally three questions in the Interview: Are you really an Eagle Scout? Can you start at 6 AM? When can you start?). For the most part, I have worked for women owned or women ran companies. On more than one occasion I have had to explain what an Eagle Scout Rank is and what it took to obtain it. Often people don't care.

So it might seem, at times that what I did, 14 years ago, was a waste. It was something that has little meaning if those who you show it to have no understanding what it is. (almost like when one of my roommates shows me how he beat this certain hard level at his video game. I don't play video games so the concept is lost on me).

It would seem like it was a waste - that is until you start listening to the Scout Oath and Scout Law and think about what Boy Scouts gave me. One of the comments several current and past employers have said is that I tend to over think the job. I tend to look at different potential problems from all angles and so when a problem occurs, I usually have a solution for it. Sometimes I have more than one. I think comes from many trips with young men who don't plan ahead. As much as I hate camping - I think camping is vital to learning how to function in the world. No where else can you really learn to plan ahead. If you go camping and there is a chance of rain and you don't bring your rain jacket - you learn rather quickly that you just can't run inside and get it. If you are out hiking and someone trips and gets bruised up - you figure out that the only bandages you have are the ones with you and that you can't call 911 to rescue you or look up on google how to survive.
I look at the fact that at work I am often given assignments and I complete them quickly and efficiently. One way I was taught this as a boy was by having merit badge requirements. Merit badges teach a skill and have requirements for practicing and reviewing that skill. A boy must present a goal, go do the goal and return and report to their merit badge counselor. This is much like getting an assignment at work, figuring out how you are going to do it, doing it, and then returning to your boss.
In each troop and patrol, a boy is given a job or an assignment. This chore or assignment is usually something that is beneficial to everyone in the group. (like who is bringing treats each week) By having a little assignment and completing it, a boy learns to be responsible and to be accountable for their actions. One thing that people often say is that they can count on me. If I say I'm going to do something - I do it. By being a boy scout - the boy learns to accept assignments and fulfill them. As he fulfills assignments, people begin to rely on him and trust him.

So in summary - I don't know if the actual award has done me any good, but the way I was shaped and molded as I reached toward that rank has greatly benefited me in life as I think it does every boy that succeeds at scouting.