Wanted: Ugly Lesbian to dress me

I've been thinking a lot about my need for an ugly lesbian girl. One of these days I'm going to be a special education teacher teaching at a middle school. I will need to look professional. But I'm not sure what that means. After all of the fuss over my tie collection, I'm quickly realizing that I need some serious fashion advice. Actually, what I think I need is a fashion dresser. Someone that can look at my closet and tell me what goes well together and then dress me in it, take a picture and help me create a catalog of daily outfits. I realize that at some point (according to Nina and Liz, quicker than I'm comfortable with) I'm going to have to leave the closet behind and actually go shopping for clothes.

(I'd like to interrupt here with a quick story. One year for summer break I drove out to WI to see my family. My sister took me to Target and started putting clothes in the cart. I thought they were for Chad. Nope. They were for me. I fought hard to get one outfit that I wanted and Liz agreed only on the condition that she get to choose two outfits that I didn't want. First day of school rolls around and I wore my outfit. Not a single talked to me. I didn't score any study partners or even a date. The next day I wore an outfit designed by Liz. Two dinner dates, two phone numbers, and a study partner.)

My current way of acquiring clothes is by getting my jeans from Costco and my shirts from Comdex Conferences. I'm working on becoming comfortable with the idea that I might actually have to get beyond the "one size fits all" shirts.

Now I know what you're asking yourselves: "Why does he need a ugly lesbian to help him out?" Let's start with the idea that guys telling other guys what to wear just kind of weirds me out. So gay and straight guys are out. Oh, and bi-sexuals as well. Males helping me shot...yup - not going to happen. That leaves women. Liz is pretty safe. She's married to my brother and so there really is no threat there. But I'm single, 28 and a Mormon (which reads: Not having sex, and maybe a little sexually frustrated). So pretty much any other straight girl is a threat. If a girl is willing to spend an hour with me, and she's not my sister-in-law, telling me if my body looks good in an outfit (any outfit), my mind is not going to be on shopping - it's going to be on trying to figure out how to get the girl to the ring section at Wal-Mart and then off to Reno as quick as possible. If she's willing to spend an hour looking at my body...yup it's a match made in heaven.

So I'm stuck with Lesbian girls. I need an ugly Lesbian girl to help me shop for clothing. Why does she have to be ugly you ask? If she's cute, then I'll spend the time shopping for clothes trying to convert her to a straight lifestyle so that we can go to Wal-Mart and then Reno. With an Ugly Lesbian I can focus on my fashion needs.

However, this all being said - I don't think I know any ugly lesbians. Anyone out there that can help me?

Thanks. My future students say thanks. They don't want to see me in my current state. It distracts from the learning process.